Welcome to Swazi! The best way to describe Swaziland to you would be to have you imagine every African missionary picture/movie/etc. With the umbrella trees, red dirt, children everywhere… and you’ve got the picture. Our ministry here mostly involves working at care points. These care points offer a meal, water, and biblical life lessons to the kids in the area. There are roughly ten of them in this part of Swaziland, but we work at the same one all the time.
Coming into this month I was not necessarily excited but not altogether unexcited either. Mostly, if I’m being honest, I was just really excited about the Parent Vision Trip (PVT) that’s happening at the end of the month and was meh about the rest. (PVT is a five day opportunity for our parents to come out and experience the World Race with us.) I’m extremely excited about South America (our next continent) so this month feels a lot like a waiting month. I’m just going through the motions until I get to be where I want to be.
*Small back story from last debrief* Everyone in leadership has been pushing this thing about us having changed SO much since the beginning of the race. They can’t stop saying things like “you guys sitting here are not the same men and women that we saw in India”. Well, okay, that’s great and all, but I don’t feel that much different. And I definitely don’t feel “SO” different. I still have the same insecurities, yes there has been work in breaking down those walls but there is still foundation left, and I still can’t move outside of them. I have learned things but I still struggle everyday to fight my fundamental fears.
For example, the other day at our care point the kids were filing in for our lesson and one of the older primary school kids looked at me and said “hey, you’re too fat.” In this simple sentence she confirmed those same fundamental fears. This simple comment whispered in my ear “you are not good enough”, “you are not worthy of love”, “no-one will ever want you”, “you will always be someone people settle for not someone they desire”. This is the fruit of a lie I have allowed roots to sink deep into my life. This lie controls me… paralyses me. This lie comes in the form of my orphan spirit.
Now some of you who are not familiar with the popular “Christianese” (or quite possible just World Race lingo) phrase that is “orphan spirit” let me fill you in. Now, this is what it is to me, but it can be different for different people. How this looks in my life is that I don’t truly feel as though I belong anywhere (except my family, love you guys!)
I often feel like a burden on people that I’m around, like I have to apologize for being me and being around them. Like people would just be more happy if they weren’t subjected to my company, especially for long periods of time. The result of this is I try to protect myself as much as possible, to not trust others with my true emotions and to keep my distance from others whenever possible.
I can’t trust that I would ever be anyone’s first choice in anything.
That somehow I am not worthy of that place, like if I am their first choice their life is pretty sad. This also effects my relationship with God. He is not magically different in my mind, all of these self preservation rules apply to Him as well. He has Over 7 billion people to choose from, why in the world would He choose me first for anything? Hello faith issues. So this is in short what my orphan spirit looks like, and as you can see it pretty much has a hold on every part of my life. And I tell you this not because I want affirmation. In fact, please don’t invalidate my feelings, but I tell you this because I know I’m not the only one who feels or has felt like this. The devil has such a way for trapping us in a prison inside ourselves, telling us lies to keep us quiet and not living in God’s freedom.
I’m not saying I have this figured out, and I definitely am not saying that I have accepted and walk in this freedom, however, hear me out.
What if I and everyone of you who feels even remotely like this lived in the freedom of God’s truth: That we are whole, loved and perfect in the eyes of the Lord.
That we are worthy: Worthy of being loved, worthy of a life that God has designed especially for us.
And what if we were brave enough to live that life, not afraid of someone coming up and saying something that did not line up with God’s truth because God’s truth is all that matters. We accept others knowing God’s truth about them, and we can respond to negative cut downs from the devil with biblical truths that build people, including ourselves, up. That’s the freedom He promises, that’s the freedom He freely gives and, I don’t know about you, but that’s the freedom I want to walk in.
Like I said, this is still a very real struggle for me. I still am weighed down with trust issues and with insecurities and bad habits that I call self protection. But I will be praying for you in this and I’m asking for the same thing for me. Please pray for me, walk with me in this, God has a plan for this. He allows us to walk through these things because others out there are struggling too, and I truly believe He is building me up to go out and free people for his kingdom helping them into their true identities in Christ. Maybe he’s working on you to do the same.
So this time when I hear that little girl say “hey, you’re too fat” I will try to look back and answer in my head, “no, you’re wrong. I’m perfect in the eyes of the Lord, I’m worthy to be loved, and I’m worthy of being someones first choice.”
Love you all, keep learning and pushing to know God deeper.
Thanks for stopping by,
Lyndie
