Debrief round 2. I will probably always be learning something hard but valuable at debrief, last time was rest and this time with entitlement. This one is hard to talk about if I’m being honest…I suppose it’s a good thing I am also learning about the abandonment of pride! (Read about that in my blog “Viet Nam”)
This is a story all about how my life got turned upside down…sorry. But really in all seriousness, it kinda is. (lolz I was a little tired when I started this blog…but you know what I’m going to leave it)
We got to Siem Reap for debrief and were taken to our hotel, and wow this place was nice. A little of what you have to know about Asia is that in almost every place we stayed (except for india) the shower and the toilet shared the same space. In those situations the floor and toilet were ALWAYS wet, no way around it. So when we were going to debrief one of the things I wanted most was a bathroom where the toilet and shower were separate, that and of course a bed, air conditioning would be nice, and good wifi. We get to our hotel room and guess what, not only is the shower separate but it’s all by itself, completely separate! AND it was a waterfall shower head from the ceiling! The room had AC, 4 beds for 6 people but we made it work, and there was wifi (not great wifi but still!). We stepped out on to our balcony (oh yeah we had a balcony) and looked out over a beautiful swimming pool with a waterfall, surrounded by trees and where the kitchen served food and drinks to your comfortable lounge chair. (I am not over selling this, this place was boujee) It was incredible. I was sure that God had answered my prayers and was blessing me in all the ways that I desired. So we unpacked a little and settled in.
—fast forward to the next day—
We are told we have to move.
Bummer.
I (again acting like the responsible mature grown adult that I am…) got SO mad about it. To myself and my team mostly but so not happy. I’m not going to down play this, total two year old hissy fit tantrum going on in my head. Why would they do this? Just MY team, not the other two teams staying there, nope. Just us. Why didn’t they think about this before we got there? its not like the number of us was a shock! Anyway you get the picture. So we moved. We were split up in multiple rooms and I was going to be in a room with Audrey and Amanda. That particular room wasn’t ready yet. So we waited, and waited, and waited at around 10pm we got out of our session and no one was at the front desk to get our key, but a little thievery and we were in. Behind the magical door of our room was one bed. yep. only one. There was air but the shower and the toilet shared the same space (we did have a curtain which I will admit was very nice) and no wifi. Bummer. I decided to sleep on the floor to have more space and we went to bed for the night.
In the morning I was already working on being over it. It was fine, we were still very comfortable. We were well taken care of, we could still use the other pool, it was fine. But as soon as I would become ok with it, God would make me uncomfortable again, and I would be frustrated all over again. Our water went out for the day. We had to pack earlier then the other hotel and move our stuff. We did that then found out that we really didn’t have to. Every little thing seemed to pile up and not let me become ok with our circumstances. In my head all the things making me uncomfortable could have been avoided by not moving in the first place.
(shout out to those who have made it this far, I’m sorry this one is long. I’m landing my plane I swear)
At the end of the week I was confused. (I think thats the best word to describe my feelings but it’s not quite perfect.) When I had first arrived I thought God had blessed me with all the things I had needed. Debrief is supposed to be about rest, don’t I deserve to have the comforts I don’t always get on the field? Boom conviction. I “deserve”, what? It’s in these moment when I picture God sitting back and saying “see what I did there, you see what I was teaching you”.
I didn’t think I had an issue with entitlement. Nope, that wasn’t my vice. Wow was I wrong. Looking back I can see his hands at work the whole week. He was intentional from the beginning (giving me what it was that I had asked for) to the end (showing me where I was missing his truth and freedom). Because heres what I learned through this: You (me) are NOT entitled to anything. I know thats a big statement, and I was thinking “well thats not entirely true, I am entitled to shelter”, God: nope “food?” nope, “my family?” nope, “well at least I’m entitled to my life” God: nope. What God said next had me wrecked, because what he said was “Jesus was not entitled to any of that” and “ I can ask it of you or take it from you. It is a gift from me and you are not entitled to any of it”.
Wow.
While that was a huge “aha” moment and so true and convicting, the best thing he taught me was not that, it was that IF I were to truly believe it was all a gift and I was not entitled to anything, and I do mean anything, He could be fully in control. AND him being fully in control would mean that I had the freedom from all the stress that came along with worrying about the things I was needlessly trying to control and hold onto. Just think about it, my time at debrief would have been so much more relaxed if I had looked at a new hotel as a gift that was equally as generous as the first (which it was). And/or if I saw the weekend as a blessing of underserved rest (which it was). Or even bigger then that, my family. If I believed that I was not entitled to them I would be able to enjoy them as beautiful gifts from God that they are, without worrying about what time I had with them. I (along with some of you, I would guess) am so scared of losing any of them that it taints the way I relate to them now, but every second I spend with any of them is a gift and a blessing because I am not entitled to it. God gave them to me because he loved me and he gives me other things (or even doesn’t give me things) for the same reason.
The one thing I want you to hear from this is freedom. Freedom from worry, and an invitation to wonder and joy. Spend some time in prayer and searching your own heart to see what God would have you see in things like this. Where is your entitlement hiding, and where can it be replaced with freedom, joy and thanksgiving?
Thanks for stopping by
Lyndie
P.S. After we left debrief we went to a conference in South Africa where our accommodations were even better (in my opinion) then the ones at the first debrief hotel. AND after my lesson from God that I had just learned, I was truly able to fully enjoy the beautiful gifts God was giving me.
Guys, if you didn’t know, we have a great Dad looking out for us, caring for us, loving us so well, and giving us great gifts.
