This past month I’ve been reading a brilliant book by Brene Brown called “The Gifts of Imperfection.” She lives her life researching shame and the emotions behind it. I’ve become obsessed with this book as she ties shame with perfectionism. I think I’ve highlighted every page trying to take in her wisdom.
I’ve realized too that I haven’t written a blog since March, when I was in Montenegro. Since that blog, I’ve traveled all around the Adriatic Sea and spent a month in Macedonia finding new ministry contacts for the World Race to partner with and support. I left Eastern Europe and then entered Central America. For Month 9, I was in Roatan, Honduras teaching at a school and helping missionaries do manual labor. It was incredible!
L-squad just arrived to Nicaragua and I can’t believe that we are entering Month 10. I have less than 2 months before I return back to the United States. It feels like I was in Cambodia yesterday but it also feels like I’ve changed drastically as a person.
Something that has really changed me is the word freedom. Just a typical cliché word right? But just like what Brene Brown talks about in her book, I’ve found on the Race that I’ve been bound to perfectionism for a long time. My whole life I have strived for being the perfect athlete, perfect daughter, perfect student, etc. I failed a lot and experienced a lot of shame. I can look back in my life and recognize a lot of those emotions. What I have never realized is that I’ve carried that perfectionism into my faith for the past 5 years.
In Uganda, I had a friend ask me if I strive to be the “perfect Christian.” My mind was blown because it was the exact truth. I work so hard to portray myself as the perfect Christ follower with all the right answers and wisdom. I’ve done all the “right” steps; I’ve gone on countless mission trips and helped the poor, the homeless, and the lost. I’ve made sure that people see me reading my Bible every day and journaling along with it. I admit my mistakes and I’m vulnerable because other people expect me to be as the perfect Christian. But when I fail miserably I sit in a LOT of shame.
It’s kinda scary how much I work to perform in my faith. God slowly started to open my eyes to this by teaching me first about His unfailing love. He didn’t whip out the rule book and criticize me for carrying so much about what everyone thinks and trying to be perfect all the time. He instead, started putting His worth in my life and engraining it on my heart. He told me He loved me every day. Then within the love and grace, I started recognizing ways to walk in freedom. I realized that I didn’t have to read my Bible every day to be a Christian. I didn’t have to say the right things all the time. I could be messy and make scribbles all over my journal and God would still love it if it meant that was the way I was spending time with Him each day.
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight. –Brene Brown
Man, isn’t she awesome? I think so. God has used the Race and people like Brene to encourage me to open up and take flight. I’m currently working on not putting myself in a Christian box which also allows me to not want to put other people in that box also.
Freedom is a huge word, but an incredible one. God loves me, I love myself, and therefore I can love others. It’s that simple. Jesus is my way to that love and I’m so tired of putting rules and standards that even Jesus disagreed with on myself.
I’m excited to see all that He continues to teach me and use to bring me closer to Him. I’m pumped for Nicaragua and this 10th month where I can continue to walk in freedom and experience the amazing life of traveling and meeting beautiful people all over the world. When I mess up, I’m gonna claim the shame and embrace the gifts of imperfection. I’ll also remember the One that already calls me perfect in His eyes.
