I’m scared.
F o u r t y. S e v e n. D a y s.
47 days, and I leave
my home,
my family,
my friends,
all I’ve ever known, to follow Gods call on my life.
I hoped for this. Prayed for this. I tried to take things into my own hands, turned away from God and tried to force things to happen my way, so I could go, so I could leave this life of almost 5 years that I made here in NYC.
But a year later after I gave myself back to the Lord, when I let go of my selfish self and started to pray and fast, and dig deep in my walk-that’s when I heard God say go. He was stirring something inside of me and I didn’t know what it was for a long time. Even when I eventually applied to the world race I didn’t know that, that’s where he was leading me.
I say eventually because (funny story) when I “first” went to apply for the world race it was July 2015, I filled out almost all of the application but the questions on the application they were asking, were too deep for me. So I told myself I’d finish it another day, and you guessed it…I never did. Totally forgetting I didn’t finish it-months later in November, after my prayer life had been completely transformed and my heart felt the closest to the Lord than it had in a really long time, I randomly thought to myself- “why didn’t they accept me, why didn’t I get any notifications, did they not get my email right?”….so I logged on to my account and realized, I never finished the application!!!! Feeling like a fool and laughing to myself, I saw the route I was applying for was no longer accepting applications. Sad by this thought I began to look at other races I could apply for. Conveniently, the races beginning in October 2016 would’ve made the most sense for me to apply for. I have multiple great jobs in the city with kids I adore, and a lease on a beautiful Brooklyn apartment until October…BUT the April Expedition 10/40 route stuck out to me, greatly!!! Two of the countries listed I had never heard of, and when I read about all the 11 countries God stirred something within my heart and I knew I had to apply.
Fast forward to now, I’ve been accepted, (PRAISE GOD) and I couldn’t be more excited, and ready for this journey that God is going to take me on…but with 47 days out I’ve developed such a spirit of fear. I’m scared of leaving everything I’ve built here in NY for almost 5 years, I’m scared to physically be without my family for 11 WHOLE months, I’m scared that my faith isn’t where it needs to be, I’m scared that when ministering to these people that I won’t be able to speak the right way, because I don’t know enough scriptures, because I’ve never really evangelized. I go could go on….
Although when chatting with one of my teammates, Abbie, about where I’m at emotionally…she reminded me that when it comes to evangelizing, its up to God. She said “the more weak we are, the better, because Jesus gets the glory for it all.” And then she shared this verse with me: 2 Corinthians 12:9
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
Another teammate, Bethany, encouraged my team and I the other day by sharing her recent struggles and how God spoke through them to her…she shared: ??Ephesians 2:8-10
“God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
Through both these girls I was extremely encouraged!!! God planned this, before I was here, and any of my teammates were here. He knew what kind of life all 21 of us would live up until this point. He knows what’s going to happen in our lives for the next 47 days, and he knows exactly what’s going to happen in these 11 months in all of the 11 countries.
Although I am fearful and have my doubts with what’s to come, I am comforted by his word knowing that in all my weaknesses he can use me, and despite my past, and moments when I’ve turned away from God…his power lives inside of me, and in him I am a new creation. I don’t have to sound high and lofty with my words, God wants to use me just the way I am.
Coming to that realization today has made my heart extremely full. I’m so honored God would pick me and put me on such a wonderful team of young adults, eager to reach his people and spread his name throughout these countries. It amazes me how we haven’t met each other yet, but there is such a sense of unity. God is so marked all over this team, and I can’t wait to see how he’s going to use us, challenge us and transform us!!!
Here’s to 47 (nearly 46) more days of life in the states!!! If you’ve read this far keep my team in your prayers. Pray specifically for peace in the midst of doubt and worry. Pray for total trust and dependence on God through fundraising, getting gear, and getting everything of our lives here in order before we leave. Pray against all anxiety. And pray for the people in each of these places to be open to the GOOD news we’re bringing them.
Thank you for your constant support, encouragement, and most importantly prayers.
Much love,
Lydia
