Those words have been constantly running through my mind for the last 2 months. From a place of utter confusion to peace. That has been my process in discovering God’s will for participating in the World Race.
For as far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a missionary. Yet more specifically, a missionary in Guatemala. (For a time there, I also wanted to be a whale trainer/missionary in Guatemala…wonder how that would have worked out!?!) I am not sure why so specifically Guatemala, but all I know is that God placed that country and it’s people on my heart! I remember looking at pictures and dreaming about being there. Through my jr high and high school years I still had a desire for missions but wasn’t really sure where to go and what to do. I was more focused on finding a job and wanting to get married. Yet God was working. After taking the short-track through college and getting a skill that I could use in missions, I looked into a dental ship. Yet that door closed. Even though I got a job and started working, my heart has still been restless. This rumbling has been stirring inside of me-the desire to see what else God has out there. Why have I had this desire for so long? I have been living in regret of not going on international missions and blamed myself, others and God for not allowing me to “GO”. I’ve asked “why”, “why not”, “what are you doing, God”. Yet through it all, there was silence. Through it all, there has been a burden in my heart.
In the spring of this year, I just decided to start pursuing things again and wait for God to open and close doors. That is exactly what God did. He kept convicting and pursuing my heart. The realization that God was faithful to close all of the missions doors in the past which I had become bitter about, was enlightening! My perspective changed! So I began to pursue going back to school again to be part of a “cause” or more equipped for non-profit work. Then God showed me that wasn’t where I was supposed to be. Next, I was going to move out of my parent’s home and God closed that door. For the first time in over 2 years that God had closed a door, I was peaceful. I wasn’t upset or bitter. That made things more clear. I kept asking Him to prove himself. I wanted to see Him be clear in my life. I had so much confusion in my life and I was sick of it! After a month of “barely” thinking about the World Race, I felt like God wanted me to apply. The last two months had been filled with me stepping out and trying new things. God kept closing those doors so I figured there was nothing wrong with just applying and trusting that God in his faithfulness would open or close that door in His timing. After applying, I didn’t have my interview for another 3 weeks. I kept feeling like this was what I was supposed to do, yet I had to wait. “Really God? More waiting? Seriously I’m getting tired of this! You’ve made me wait almost 24 years already.” All of this kept running through my restless heart. But I knew I wanted to change. I knew I wanted to trust Him more despite the circumstances.
A friend of mine from softball recommended ‘Oceans’ by Hillsong United and the words of the chorus kept running through my head and heart. “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me.” That’s what my heart had been saying all along. But I was not letting go and letting God work. I was knocking and knocking, but only for myself. Not to see God’s will be fulfilled. I wasn’t willing to let God be God. I wanted to control Him and have my “ducks in a row”. So yes, I listen to ‘Oceans’ a lot to help quiet my heart and refocus. Reading Matthew 7: 7-11 has provided perspective on asking God. It’s about the way I ask God for things. I was asking selfishly for missions and God wanted me to wait. I was getting impatient because I wasn’t asking the right way and desiring God’s will. I wanted my way.
During the waiting period, I was determined. If I don’t get accepted, that’s fine. It’s another closed door that shows God’s will and sovereignty in my life. I can’t be discouraged. But my heart leapt when I heard the words “you’ve been accepted to the World Race January 2014, route 1”. So this is why I am here and how God has got me here. Yet this is only the beginning. I’ve only walked to the starting line. I’m preparing for the gun to go off and then I’ll sprint.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread will give him a stone? Or if he asks for fish will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evel, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" – Matthew 7:7-11
