Day one after the world race and I find myself sitting in my living room at 6 am eating Apple Jacks and completely at a loss for words.
My dog is the only other one awake and he stares as blankly at me as I feel like I deserve after being away for 11 months. I know man, me too. It’s weird. His stare matches my emotions. What just happened? Did I really just travel the world for 11 months? Did I meet and become family with 50 other squad mates? Did I hug children , feed the hungry, and do life in 11 different cultures? Is this real life? I think I allowed the excitement of home and seeing my loved ones overshadow the fact that this would and is going to be hard. I cried in the chip aisle yesterday. The freaking chip aisle. I stopped and said shit… Yep… It’s happening. Tears rolled as all I could articulate was that America has a lot of things and other people just don’t. And one minute you’re standing on top of Angkor Wat and the next you’re driving past Quick Trip on Woods Chapel Road and you wonder if you just had the best dream of your life .
This is crazy. The world race teaches you not to have expectations. So my non expecting ass walked right into America and froze with my foot right over the door frame. I may be stuck in that stance for awhile. I’m ok with that . One foot in and one foot out isn’t too bad. And it doesn’t mean luke warm or not present , it just means you refuse to plant because you refuse to be the same. I quite frankly don’t want to be grounded when I could be rooted. Roots are deep. I have roots planted all over the world now. My heart is in 11 different places , and make that 12 because I’m home.
Yesterday I found myself looking at job openings in blue springs. That’s what you do , right? You have to have money, be productive, contribute. It all feels so foreign to me. I know feelings are subject to frequent change and therefore my actions must be rooted in the absolute truths. I know there is more. My life is not over. I know the dreams God is speaking to my heart. I knows there’s 50 other plus people out there feeling the same things. I know this will take a hot second. I trust God. I really do.
I don’t know how to respond because it seems as if people think I’m a hero. The truth is , I’m the farthest from it. I’m just following Jesus and doing this thing where if he asks me to do something , I say yes. Because I’ve found my reason for joy , I’ve learned the value of walking in obedience, I understand that love is a choice and that is why it’s unexplainable . The truth is, chipotle can wait. It could wait for a very long time because id take rice and beans, cold bucket showers, and a tent any day. It’s weird because now that I’m home and I can do all the things I felt deprived of, I don’t even want them. I’d give it all up again to hug Evangeline again and tell her she’s beautiful, to pray with Pi Oi , to hold baby John while his mother leads the most beautiful worship I’ve ever experienced, to worship with the Roma gypsies in a pasture with at least 15 different kinds of animals, to talk about religion and science with Ukrainian students. I’d give it all up to be his hands and feet. And maybe he’ll ask me to at some point. I pray my heart would find the courage I have now in that moment. I pray my spirit and my soul will always say yes. I pray that no matter what work my hands find to do, that they do it with all of me. That everyone I encounter will experience Gods unbending love for them through me. That’s all I could ever desire. To be used by Him.
Please continue to pray. There’s several things God has placed before me and I am waiting on Him. I need to find a job and work on my health. I need to find some routine even though I’ve spent a year constantly changing. I need to adjust. So ….one step at a time. I have my family , I have my friends, I have the big guy upstairs. It’ll be alright. The world race over but life is just beginning.
(Oh… I have more blogs from the race too. I’ll post them soon. I know you’re dying to read them )
