This month we have stayed in the capital of Cambodia, Phnom Phen.
My team and I have had the unique opportunity to teach English, grammar, geography, public speaking, and music theory to theological seminary students. There are around 45 students and another 5 or so faculty. When we arrived we were so thankful and humbled by the generosity of our host. The college is a beautiful and spacious building. Josh and Kelsey (the marrieds ) were able to have their own room as well as an A/C unit that they let us share during team time! (You guys rock)
The guys and girls each have beds with enough fans to go around. This is SUCH A BLESSING. Cambodia…….is very, very……. HOT.
We have been so fortunate to have the accommodations that we have. Our meals are wonderful as we are able to buy groceries and cook for ourselves. (Isaac and Kels …. You know my love for you)
Lastly, we get to teach future ministers and teachers of the gospel!
When I went to Bible College for worship ministry I never imagined I’d have the opportunity or even have the ability to teach what I learned to others. Music theory was ROUGHHH for me. After finishing a two year music degree I felt lead to go into missions. I often say that I know music will always be a huge part of my life but little did I know that God would use me to teach it! Every day I get nervous right before classes and I start feeling completely inadequate but then one hour later I finish class with a group of students who have learned! Proof that God uses us even in our own weaknesses and disbelief. He can do a lot with a heart that is willing.
We have about two weeks left in Cambodia. I admit that from the beginning of the race I believed that for some reason Cambodia was going to be super rough for me. I’m not quite sure why and I was blown away at how it turned out when we arrived. I also realize now though that I am facing different battles than I expected.
Fact: people in other countries have different cultural norms that can be offensive to us Americans.
I’ve learned that for many cultures facts are facts. If you are tall then you are tall. If you are always yawning then they will point it out and tell you to sleep. If you are short… They’re going to tell you . Point being , this month I have had one of my biggest insecurities thrown in my face left and right.
This is not much different from other missions trips I’ve been on and it’s not different then the first two months of the race.
The difference has been the fact that it isn’t little kids. Most of the time the comments or gestures come from children and youth and it’s usually easier to let it roll off.
This month it’s been mainly from grown men and women. Everywhere I walk by …. Ride by…. Swim by… You get the point. I get stares and laughter. I get gestures and words like ” big” “fat” ” wow” thrown at me . Like I said, it’s been easy to let it slide off most of the time. I realize that these people literally have not seen anyone my size and it’s shocking.
It is very hard to have my biggest insecurity put on blast every day and I’ve struggled so much this month with feeling worthy, valued, and beautiful. THE POINT; I don’t share this for pity or to tell you a sad story…..
I’m sharing because the Lord is doing something in my heart. Last month I discovered that I don’t actually have much trust in God. I would like to think I do but deep down I just don’t. I used to be afraid to admit that but I’ve realized he’s ok with me not having my shit together. I’m beginning to understand what it means for His power to be made perfect in my weakness. Even when I have zero percent grace for myself it’s ok because he has endless oceans. I’m learning that He is a good father. I want change because I want change and because I realize I need it. I never want to live my life controlled by the words and opinions of others. Such simple concepts, I know. But for those of us with thick skulls sometimes it just takes 22 years of living to begin to understand the truths we have had spoken over us for years by those who love us. Trusting God is not an overnight process. I am still battling the ” all or nothing ” lifestyle I’ve lived most of my life…. In every area of my life, my studies, my relationships, my health, etc.
I am back at the steps this month ( see previous blogs for reference lol) I am at the bottom, at step one. The difference? I’m not alone. In fact someone’s holding my hand and creating a place for my feet to land every step that I take.
I want to encourage you all to step out of the boat with me this month. Whatever your boat may be. Just swing your legs over and jump. The only place to land is in the arms of Jesus. Don’t let fear or insecurity rob you of the joy to be had in trusting Him. He’s such a good father and He never abandons his kids.
