How do you say goodbye to everyone and everything you know for a year? How do you raise $16, 000, try to find a job with the right hours, pay student loans, continue to serve in ministry, and all the while try to lose weight so you are phsically able to even do this thing in the first place?
How do I fix all the relationships I have so that I leave with zero regret in four months? How do I get past ME?
I have this quality that is both good and also really bad at the same time.
I am all or nothing. It used to be a small thing and now it has unfortunately become the way I function. I don’t know how I got here but I recognize it, I don’t like it, and I’m trying to fix it.
I’ve always been the rebellious one. I blame it on birth order! It was predetermined that I would be the second born therefore the one most likely to be rotten!
What I like about it:
- I’m not afraid to ask questions, to challenge motives, to speak boldly, and to stand up for what is right.
- I don’t really take crap (or poop in case you find crap offensive) from anyone and PLEASEEE come at one of my family members?! (Only I can do that)
- I talk real loud and real big, but under it all I’m a complete sap. It’s not real until it gets real. (If that makes sense?) I recognize this and oddly enough I like it. Because if I didn’t have a heart I wouldn’t be human.
- I feel everything deeply. I think, love, and respond genuinely because I honestly couldn’t help it even if I tried.
What I don’t like:
I do not know when to keep my mouth shut.
I look reallllllly stupid sometimes because I’m actually legally unable to beat anyone up.
I speak to soon and without filter a majority of the time.
I can fight until I’m blue in the face because accepting I’m wrong about something I care about (or things I don’t care about sometimes. Sometimes it’s just really……really stupid) hurts way more than looking like an idiot. I think the word “pride” pretty much sums that one up right there.
I’m sure some of you are thinking…”Well dang, I guess she’s bearing her soul.”
I am a firm believer that the longer you allow your weaknesses to remain hidden in the dark, the longer the enemy is allowed to beat you up with them and tell you that you are “this way” and that “you can never be anything else.” Can I just say……The devil is a freakin liar.
I often look at how much is ahead of me and I convince myself that trying isn’t worth it because failure is inevitable. I know I’m not the only one! Where did that come from? Why do we do that? It’s bologna! We have the spirit of the living God living inside of us, working on our bahalf, and fighting for us. When we take God outside of the box we put Him in we’d be shocked at the things He has in store for our lives when we just let go and surrender. I know because it’s happening to me!
Last week our youth pastor said, “What if we started taking Jesus at His word?”
But forreal! What if we started living life like we had the God of the universe on our side? What could we accomplish? We’d love bigger, dream wilder, and live more boldly then we ever have before!
The World Race is the farthest thing from comfortable for me. I am already facing giants before I even step a foot out of this country. It is straight up ridiculous how easy I give up sometimes. It’s almost like I’m watching myself as if I were another person. I don’t understand why I do half of the things I do. I tell myself to grow up at least 27 times a day.
I once had someone that I admire greatly tell me, “If you just had a taste of succes you would be unstoppable.”
Is the same true for you? Then taste it! Taste that success! (Richard Simmons voice)
Seriously, if I am speaking to no one else but myself! The excuses have to stop. The lack of self control has to stop. The lying to yourself has to stop! I’ve never liked admitting my faults because I don’t like that people can use it to “hold me accountable” or “motivate” me or hold things above my head. (Pride. I know.) Change doesn’t happen unless you want it. I’m still working on wanting it consistantly. I will not return from this trip the way I am leaving for it. That is both terrifying and exhilarating. I can’t wait!
I am the farthest thing from perfect. I fail daily. I deal with anger, jealousy, hypocrisy, and feelings of worthlessness. But I have hope!
His name is Jesus.
I know that in His dying and raising from the dead I have LIFE. I have the opportunity to live a life free of guilt and shame because He has saved. I speak these words in FAITH because I don’t even think I have been able to fully grasp what that means. God is for Me. God is for YOU!
P.S. Andrew, I apologize for ditching you and the gym tonight. This blog was a lot of word vomit that had to come out. I like your new haircut. Just wanted to put that out there.
