Blogging. Still one of the things I can’t get into. I am
sorry for not writing them even when I don’t want to. I know that some of you
love reading my blog because I know it’s a way to show how I have changed and
what is going on with my life. So here we go.
We are
in Manila, Philippines for my final month with Y squad. That is an interesting
thing to process. This is the first time in about 2 years I don’t know what is
coming next. Also the second time in 6 months I will be saying “see ya later”
to a new family. I haven’t let it sink in just yet. I am down to 12 days here.
I will have a 13 hour flight home to deal with that. Also seeing how in these
months as squad leader, the places I could have done more. I don’t regret anything;
just see that I COULD have loved my co-squad leader Sarah more. I could have
sought more in some relationships. I am confident that we led this squad to the
BEST of our abilities and that what I am seeing now, are things I will know to
do next time I am in a role like that. Or how in raising up the 3 amazing new
squad leaders, I could have been more intentional in the first 2 weeks. I am
one to kind of hand things over and let them fly on their own and go from
there. And they were waiting for us to show them things. So we found ourselves
in a limbo area and 5 people were waiting for the others to get with it. That
is all out on the table now and we are doing work with the time we have left.
It just opens my eyes to the fact that I don’t have it all figured out. Not that
I EVER thought that, but it seems to be a place where I can end up without
realizing it. Which I am glad God is showing me, because I don’t want to be in
a place like that. He is a genius.
I am
also finding out what it means to intercede for people even when I don’t talk
to them. I have found myself praying for some people more than ever before
because I have hit a new level of love. A love that WANTS to do all I can for
them, even being thousands of miles away. A place of patience and hope. Hoping
in things, but also laying down my wants and expectations to God who knows what
I need most. So that if things don’t shape up to what I “want” I am not devastated.
I put my all and expectations into God who will never fail me and knows what I
need. It’s grown me a lot. And I thank God for second chances.
Integrity.
A word that I just recently really listened to what it’s definition says. This
is what Wikipedia says about it.
“Integrity is a concept of actions,
values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and outcomes. In ethics,
integrity is regarded as the and or of one’s actions.
Integrity can be regarded as the opposite of , in that it regards internal consistency as a virtue, and
suggests that parties holding apparently conflicting values should account for
the discrepancy or alter their beliefs.”
And I
like how that sounds. I am striving to be a man of integrity. I fail daily, but
I am ok with failing because all that means to me is that I failed in my eyes,
but not in God’s. We never fail God. It’s just a place where we are growing and
seeing where we can improve. I want to be a man that is the same when I am
alone and when I am surrounded by people. My past life before the race was
pretty much the opposite. And I see what that looks like and I will not be that
again.
Hope. Another word that has opened my
eyes to seeing things differently. And I am going to use Wikipedia again, sorry
to those who loathe it.
Hope is the state which
promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and life.It is the
“feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for
the best” or the act of “look[ing] forward to with desire and
reasonable confidence” or “feel[ing] that something desired may
happen”
I think
hope is something we all could use a lot more of. First that takes trust that
God is FOR us in all things. He is always shaping us for our best. If we truly
grasped that, I wonder if hope would even be a word. It would be called life.
When I talk to God, which also has increased and happens quite a bit, I tell
him what I would like, but the second after that, I lay that down at his feet.
Trusting that if my wants aren’t best for me, my hope in Him will outweigh my
want.
So. That is a VERY small piece
of my life. I am hopeful, but at the same time nervous about coming home. This
is where life starts to take shape. My life the past year and a half isn’t
typical. And I am wondering how my life is going to look. I am nowhere close to
the same person I was just a short time ago. I can’t stop pursuing God, but a
lot of time I need people around me who will push me when I need to be pushed.
To go deep and have conversations about their struggles instead of putting on a
happy face to just get through the day. To see lies for what they truly are and
FIGHT to call it out and not make it a part of my identity. Grace to be me and
be messy as I grow. It sounds easy when you read it, but applying isn’t always.
I need to be challenged. I can’t do “normal” life anymore. Better more, I WONT
do “normal” life anymore.
