It never ceases to amaze me how God shapes my view of myself or who He is calling me to be. Here, let me show you:
My story
I grew up as a daughter in a household with two loving parents who took me to church every time the doors were open. I knew the Bible stories for Sunday School trivas. I memorized Bible verses for the church Bible drills. I knew the first and last verse along with the chorus to all the classic hymns.
As I dwelled so often in His house, I became more and more aware of my sinful nature and God’s calling on my heart’s door. With tears in my eyes and my head bowed at age six in my parents’ bedroom, I accepted that Jesus had lived a perfect life and ended it sacrificing it for me with a crown of thorns upon His head as He hung on a rugged cross. I believed that three days following the gutwrenching “It is finished,” He rose from the grave. In that bedroom for the first time, I confessed that Jesus Christ was Lord, not just over everything He ever created, but also over my heart.
Time passed. I grew up. Teenage years brought with them disputes with my younger sister, which is only natural, struggles at home and wars within myself. I moved with my family out of the city and into the suburbs. Home life got…rough. School was my escape from all the stress. I know that seems backwards, but that was my life. Moving caused us to have to find a new church home; therefore, we church hopped for years never agreeing on petty preferences such as music or colors of the walls. Making new friends wasn’t too difficuly, but finding out boys didn’t have coodies was challenging. Crushed came and went, as they always do. Some of the friends I made stuck with me through thick and thin. Body image and self-worth became highlighted pitfalls. I never saw myself as “good enough” or “worth anyone’s time” due to life at home. Don’t get me wrong, my parents and sister loved me, it just didn’t come across well. The raging disputes in my head never seemed to stop until my head would hit the pillow.
In high school, I stood up for what I believed. I carried my Bible to school. Even led a couple of Bible studies before classes began. While that was very much a part of the way my peers veiwed me, I knew inside I was becoming more confused than ever. As I would feel like I drew nearer to God, my life just seemed to crumble a little bit more. Tension at home grew. Unbiblical traditions of the church in which I didn’t agree with surfaced. Friends drifted in and out. Thoughts concerning my worthiness hoovered over me. I felt almost abandoned by God. The One I thought blessed me as long as I followed Him faithfully. Except it seemed the more faithful I became, the more my life here got harder. At the time, I didn’t rejoice in my trials. I was melting in them.
Despite the confusion I had with God, I chose to follow Him when He led me to Mississippi State University. Many told me it was a mistake. I was told that there was no way God could call me to a secular school several times. Standing firm in my shakey faith, I followed Him anyways, and I’m so very glad I did.
God grew me indefinately while in my four years of college at Mississippi State University. Did I party hard and drive drunk? No. Did I date around, almost get pregnant, and get spared? No. Did I get addicted to prescription pills to help me stay awake for studying and somehow make it without overdosing? No.
Did I question God? Yes. Did I question His Word? Yes. Did I try to fix things on my own? Yes. Did I try to live life with God as a side kick instead of a priority? Yes.
But the questions led to finding out who God really is and how He speaks to me. Questions led to finding my faith for myself and not just getting fed by others. Trying to fix things on my own let God humble me to the point of complete surrender. Since then, I have never been the same. Life with God as a side kick instead of a proprity gave me a taste of being lost and wandering without a purpose. It was terrifying. I learned more about my Heavenly Father than I ever imagined of Him before. I grew more in my faith than I knew was possible.
Now, having gone to the Passion Conference in Atlanta, GA a little over a year ago and surrendering to a calling for traveling mission work, I am here. Enrolled to embark on an incredible mission trip for 11 months in 11 different countries where I firmly believe God will use me and teach me more than I’ve ever known or could try to imagine. After all, that is what excites me most – His Holy Spirit working through me in unbelieveable ways.
God’s Story of Me
Before she even knew she existed, I knew her life story. It began when I formed her in her mother’s womb. Day by day I formed her skin, lungs, heart, mind, fingers, eyes, toes, mouth…a couple of cells the size of a pen’s tip transfused together into a small, baby girl made in My image. She was fearfully and wonderfully made in My timing and in My hands.
As she grew up with slow comprehension of who I am and My selfless sacrifice for her, I began to knock on her heart’s door. One day, at the age of six, she decided to let Me in! She believed in Me! I can’t explain how estatic I was! The heavens lit up with songs of praises and dancing. Angels were celebrating alongside of me, and I couldn’t have been more proud to finally call her My daughter. To know that one day she would be walking these streets of gold with Me and living in a mansion I could now begin to build for her put the biggest smile on My face.
As she grew up, I allowed trails to come her way. Though she struggled and strayed from time to time, it all eventually strengthened her faith in Me. She began to express her love for Me more and more. She worshiped me through beautiful songs. I was refreshed every time I got to hear her voice as she called on My name – whatever the request or praise may have been. Little did she know how I would use the trying times she endured to bring her closer to My side.
Now, as I have tested her faithfullness and readied her spirit, I believe she is loyal and trustworthy enough for Me to send her out on a mission far beyond anything I have ever asked of her. There are nations that need to hear My name. There are people that need the hope of the Lord, and this precious daughter of mine, I shall send.
Romans 10:14-15
14 How then will they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in Him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? 15 And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!”
1 Peter 4:19
19 Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.
