I've been holding on to some things in my life for the longest time. I've been lying to myself, and claiming that they weren't taking a toll on me, and that I could handle it. I had such strong shoulders, and could handle the weight I was willing to carry. I had built up enormous walls that were capable of blocking off anything coming my way.
I've been living a lie this whole time.
A few nights ago, this all came out. And it completely blindsided me. We started the evening off with an incredible time of worship, that lead into healing prayer. Just the week before we had met Mark Marks, who does Healing on the Streets. Mark helped us tap into, and trust the authority in us through Christ. And ever since he demonstrated for us by making my leg grow 2 inches before our very own eyes (no big deal), we have been practicing on each other.
So, I sit in a chair, as my squad mates kneel around me, gently place their hands on me, and begin to look me dead in the eyes and speak Gods love deep into me. As we continued, we pushed into healing my hip. I was extremely encouraged and overwhelmed with love by my squad mates at that time. Not only had they taken already an hour to speak life into me, but they all wanted to pray for my hip, and weren't going to give up until it happened. But apparently, God had another priority to heal that night. My heart.
For as long as I can remember, I've been carrying the weight of people's problems, emotions, and circumstances. I've been taking the guilt, and carrying their burden to lift them of their load. All because of the childhood I was brought up in. I would never want another person to be hurt, and suffer for taking on something that wasn't theirs. But, ironically enough, I was doing to myself, what I was trying to prevent.
But that night, in my own tears and sorrow, surrounded by such men of grace, I, for the first time, got a complete understanding of what it meant to be free. The insecurity of my identity fell off in that room. And I'm learning to walk in true freedom.
I am not responsible for other's walks.
I am not accountable for other's hardships.
I do not owe anybody anything.
I am free because Jesus took every lashing and nail for me.
Because I am no longer a citizen of this world, but of Heaven.
I am a Son of God. I am a man of God.
The night before, I found myself livid and unable to sleep. So I began writing. Its incredible how perfect God, and His timing is. I didn't know I'd be writing something that would take place the next day.
Chasing lies to pass the time, I lay here.
My minds off wandering a windy road that leads me to the pit of my own despair.
I'm there.
Who am I in the mix of the beloved sons and daughters, in which the Lamb was slaughtered, for.
Jesus I'm yours. I want you, but I need you so much more.
Much more than my want or need, my passion for you is far beyond greater than the ink of this pen will ever bleed.
My heart is so heavy, and my skins left with chills after every time we meet.
But still, I'm unable to see.
Unable to call out the greatness that is yours. I'm easily deceived.
Peel open my eyes and mend to the bruises on my fists.
I'm tired of beating myself up, and asking you to prove something to me.
I just a puzzle piece.
Awaiting the day my Creator fits together my pieces so that I may be complete.
Because then, and only then, am I able to find a place in Your masterpiece.
Jesus, I'm yours.
I want you, but I need you so much more.
Need you to take my fragile heart as it bleeds, and reshape it into the dream You've foreseen.
I'm done with the garbage.
It's my time to be set free.
No longer am I a slave to my own epitome.
No longer will I say " Woe is me. "
But, " Woah, My God is greater than my blind eyes ever dreamed. "
So Heaven take over, as I come to me knees, because I know You are living inside of me.
