Sometimes when I say I don’t like something or I can’t do something, I don’t mean it. What I actually mean is that it’s hard for me to do, or I’m not naturally good at it. Basically that there is a potential for failure and the risk is not worth the reward.
I love succeeding. I love winning. I am the get all A’s, overly competitive, goal-oriented person. But what I didn’t realize until recently is that this all came in measured calculation. If I have a natural ability or talent for something, or see an almost guaranteed way where hard work will payoff, then I will chase after it head-on.
Somewhere along the line though, the fear of failure began to outweigh the joy of taking a risk.
Because I can’t count the times where I have stepped back, given up, or not even attempted, because I looked at the situation and decided, “This is too much for me. The pain of failure will be too much to bear.”
Because I’m not creative. Because I’m not super athletic. Because I’m not talented enough. Because I’m not the best. Because no matter what, I am somehow not worthy, and despite my best efforts, someone else will win.
These are the lies I have been fed by Satan over the years. The things I have allowed to seep into the core of my being and convince me not to try. Eventually, I took the spoon from his hand and began poisoning myself. I even willingly chose to believe the lies as an excuse to rationalize my fear.
But I got really sick and tired of living this way.
God began the process of healing in my life, a process I am still walking through, when He called me on the Race. The Race was one of those things I almost didn’t attempt because it seemed scary. But God put a restlessness and desire deep inside of me that I could not ignore. Throughout this journey He has spoken words of grace, love, mercy, worthiness, redemption, courage, and faith into my life. I’m fighting hard to believe Him. I’m fighting hard to “Let go and let God.” To know that even my “successes”, even the things I am “good at it” come completely from Him. None of this is dependent on my own strength, so why run from what seems difficult?
Nothing is beyond Him.
But here I am, on the precipice of my life, staring out at the unknown, and I’m cowering in fear. The prospect of returning home to the “real world” of life choices, careers, bills, and the question of “What I am doing with my life?” is daunting.
The same fear that rocked my world a few months after college graduation when I realized I had majored in history and was working a job I was overqualified for (but not really qualified for anything else) is prickling at the back of my mind. And it takes everything inside of me to remember what God has been saying to me all this time. He is the One who is able to do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine. He is the One in whose strength I rest.
He is the one with the plan to radically change my life and the world around me and through me.
He asks for faith. He asks for obedience. He asks for patience.
And I pray for them daily.
So as I move into Month 11 of my Race, alternately smiling in His peace or sobbing in my fear, I ask for you to pray over me. Pray that I will abide in Him always, and trust His infinite and marvelous plan even though I cannot see it right now.
And I will pray for you. I will pray that whatever it is standing in your way will be revealed to you, and that you will begin to allow God to chip away at it. To break it apart and demolish it until all barriers are lifted and you are stepping into the Promise Land He has for you here on earth.
And I will see you there, our faces shining with His radiance and glory, wondering how we were ever afraid of the paths that took us to this place.
