As I was listening to a fellow Racer share her testimony, part of the story struck a chord in my own life. “I accepted Christ at the age of 8, but it was only head-knowledge. I don’t remember any of the details.” My flippant internal reaction was, “Been there!”
Part of my testimony is that I went for years wrestling over the assurance of my salvation and struggling with doubt. I have said the salvation prayer three times. I have been baptized three times. These happened at the ages of 5, 11, and 16. It wasn’t until the third time that I really knew I was making an eternal commitment to the Lord, starting a relationship with Him through Jesus, and repenting from my sin. But before that time I went through years of internal torment: spiritual battles raging so deeply inside my heart that I spent endless nights crying myself to sleep and felt sick to my stomach whenever there was an altar call at church. I don’t know why I prayed when I was 5. And at the age of 11 I did it because I was scared of going to Hell.
But even now Satan likes to push fear and doubt into my mind. Fear that the past will repeat itself. Doubt that I will ever really be able to say 100% that I have a real relationship with God. I know these are lies, but my past experiences make them so convincing. I had pretty much resigned myself to the idea that I would always struggle with these doubts and fears in some manner until the day I die. Please let me be the first to say that God most definitely did not intend for me to live that way. Fear and doubt are not of the Lord and He does not want them to be part of my life.
So let’s go back to that night when my squad mate was sharing her testimony. As she continued talking, a thought formed in my mind in the way that I have come to recognize as the Holy Spirit placing them there. And when it did, tears pricked my eyes as a profound love and peace washed over me. My Father said to me:
“You have always been mine.”
I did not think it was possible, but in that quick moment years of fear and doubt were rolled away. My God is so powerful that just a few simple words from Him can completely change a way of life! I can hardly describe to you the comfort and peace that I know without any doubts now that even when I felt in my darkest place I was always in God’s hands. I have always belonged to Him. My life has always been His.
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This blog was written back in December, when I was spending Christmas in Swaziland. I’m not sure why I never posted it, except to say that I believe it was God’s plan to share this moment in my life during the Easter celebration. Praise Him for His goodness, sacrifice, and sovereignty.
