A big personal goal of mine when coming on the Race was to get my life together. I really thought that sometime during this 11 month period God would place a country, people group, ministry, life goal, calling….something on my heart that would set me on an incredibly exciting and fulfilling path for the rest of my life.
But as we moved from country to country and ministry to ministry, this dream of mine began to slip away. Like many others on the Race I would coach myself into feeling ok about it. “It’s fine! God doesn’t have to reveal everything to me right now. I still have (fill in the blank) months left. It could still happen! And even if it doesn’t, He’s probably just waiting until I get home to open that big door for me! He has a plan! I know He does! It’s fine!” Now, as you can tell from the amount of exclamation points, this coaching was false enthusiasm on my part. A desperate attempt to keep alive my expectations of what God “should” be doing.
So as that dream began to fade, a secondary one took its place. Maybe I wouldn’t have my future all planned out when I got home, but I would for sure have my whole spiritual life together. It’s a mission trip, right? Eleven months of constant and steady growth in the Lord…..right? I could just picture myself at home. There I would be oozing peace, grace, joy, and love to everyone I was around. People would want to be around me because I would always be handing out great advice and I was always so calm, handling every situation exactly right. I could literally envision myself floating from coffee date to coffee date on a cloud of holiness passing out wisdom to all who came near.
Oh. My. Goodness.
The last couple of months in Thailand and Cambodia have brought me the reality check that I (clearly) needed. The World Race is NOT the answer. After 9 months on the mission field, I’m still struggling with some of the same things as before I left. I’m still incredibly rude and selfish sometimes. I still have issues with pride. I still worry. I still complain. I still struggle to focus on God in all situations. And you better believe that when this reality check first hit, Satan tried to use it to his advantage. He lied to me and had me almost fully convinced that I hadn’t changed at all. He wanted me to believe that when I got home people would still see me as a “horrible” person and wonder at the waste of time and money I spent on the Race.
But, here’s the good news. The World Race is not the answer because God IS the answer. As Satan was pulling me down into the dark place, I glanced up to my Father and His glorious light burst through. I HAVE changed on the Race. Yeah, it definitely doesn’t look like the super-holy ideal I had created in my head before I left, but it’s so much better. It’s better because the change has really come on the inside. It’s better because I understand God’s love and grace so much more. I can stop striving. God loves me just as much right now in this very moment as He would if I ever became that “ideal” Christian. I am worthy right now, just exactly as I am. He can use me exactly like this.
So, yes I still have problems and I still struggle with sin. And yes, I still have no idea what I want to “do with my life.” But it’s totally ok because I have the answer, and it’s God. I have His love and His grace and that’s all I need.
