Last month in Swaziland I had a literal and figurative mountaintop experience with God. He was teaching me about healing through confession, accepting forgiveness, and what true freedom looks like. In a moment of complete brokenness in my life my Heavenly Father demolished the chains of a sin I had consigned myself to living with for the rest of my life. I was tired of the battle and felt hopeless to the fight. But as I followed the Holy Spirit’s leading to confess to my squad this ugly sin I had buried so deeply, a small stream of eternal light pierced the darkness. In just a moment, my all-powerful God poured freedom over my life. It is a feeling I have never experienced before and barely have the words to describe. What follows is a prayer I wrote a month after the experience describing what happened and how there is still a fight to hold onto the freedom God has gifted me. The Evil One’s temptation and attacks will always be with me, but now I am no longer living in a place of fear over failure. Now I am living in freedom and hope and love.
**********************************************
In my head I live in a world of my own moving, my own making, my own shaking
In the place of my mind I am desired, pursued, hurt, and confused
There I am confident, I am powerful
I am trapped
Stuck in a place of my own fantasies
Content to live there instead of reality
A coward when it comes to the actual world You have created for me
Everything in the false safety of these thoughts points towards my need for You
But in an effort to control
In actions propelled by fear and distrust
I reject Your perfect plan in pursuit of illusion and self-dillusion
But there is no satisfaction
Only complete unfulfillment results from my insignificant dealings
Your vast, incomparable and uncomprehensible love is terrifying
But even more frightening is the time that slips away while
I am THE THING holding myself back
So, rejecting this false world and grasping what little faith I have
I reach out for The Hand that has always been there
You pick me up, You brush me off
My feet are finally on the path of Your making
My footsteps fit perfectly in Yours
Casting off the fear of future failure
I open my heart to Your holy love and pursuit
You have forgiven me and set me free
You were always holding me, even when my life was a mockery of the Cross
Healing through confession, Freedom through blood
A mountaintop experience with my Beloved
The burden lifted by my Creator’s hands
No longer in chains to what I, in human meagerness, had consigned myself to
Walking away a new woman in You
Really Living
The road is hard, my mind still a constant battleground
But eternal hope and reckless love push me through
You promise more than I can imagine
My obedience and faith are required
You have made me new
I trust Your Word
