So I keep being reminded that this whole experience starts way before I actually leave for the Race. It started the moment I said yes. It seems that there is something new every week or so for me to battle. A wall, if you will. First it was fear. I haven't totally gotten over this one, and I don't think I ever will completely, but it has certainly gotten better. I'm trusting in the Lord, and I know He will prepare and protect me.
This week's 'wall' may actually be more difficult to tackle. It's a combination of things, but it's really just the desire and longing for normalcy. I look around at the lives of my friends and family and think "I want that." Everyone is settling down. Starting relationships. Starting marriages. Furthering careers. Buying houses.
I can't tell you how badly I desire the comfort and regularity of living in the same place for more than a year, of being in a relationship, of working a "normal" job. A part of me can't help but wish for that sense of routine.
I often sit back and think about how hard those 11 months are going to be and say to myself " Oh wow…do I really have to do this? Can't I just go later? I'm so ready to work a full-time job, find an apartment, and just be. If I am already sick of living with my stuff in storage bins at different houses-What on earth is it going to be like to live out of a backpack?" And then I have to tell myself to STOP being selfish. This is not about what I want. This is not about my plan. It is so frequent that I find myself thinking "me, me, me… I want this, I want that." But that is not how we are called to live. We are called to live a life of faith. Faith that follows His plan and not ours. What will I gain from having a successful career right now? Money? Status? Pride? Where will that get me? I can do that at any point later in my life. I find joy in the truth that if I follow His plan, and not mine, there will be no greater joy. It reminds me of this passage from Phillippians 2:1-4:
"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only at your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
This tells me that I am called to serve God by serving others. And what that looks like for me, right now, is going on the World Race. Please don't get me wrong: I don't think wanting any of the things I listed earlier is wrong. I think great joy can be found in these things. I believe that you can still serve God in any career, relationship, or circumstance that you have. I believe it's fully possible to put those verses into action every day no matter where you are. All I am saying is that right now, those things are not what God has planned for me–not yet anyway 🙂
