I’m falling apart.
There I said it. I said the thing that Christians – especially missionaries – aren’t supposed to say. But it’s true! I’m really struggling out here. Since month 7 “choosing joy” and giving thanks has been a moment-by-moment choice that has grown more difficult to do with each passing month. I am absolutely spent and feel kind of dead inside. I’ve heard it’s actually quite common among missionaries to feel this way, but I’ll be one of the few that talk about it.
The Race is no freaking joke. Yeah, it’s regular life in another country with 6-7 people 24/7. People need help in some seasons of their life and after facing man’s depravity, including our own, month after month after month us racers need help too. But there’s not really any help out here.
We can’t go speak with our pastors or grab coffee with that friend that always gives great advice. We can’t make an appointment with a counselor, or even take a day to binge on Netflix with ice-cream and Lindor Truffles. We can’t go to the mall and get our nails done when it’s been a hard week, or buy a new pair of shoes. We can’t take a nap in our rooms in the middle of the day if our mornings were difficult or overwhelming.
We are in this every single moment. We are fully in and fully experiencing, and life is hard and I am overwhelmed.
I hear a lot about “giving God the most glory” out here on the race, and I would argue anything we choose gives him the most glory. Can God really ever not get the utmost glory? John Piper even preaches an entire sermon on how sin can give God glory. God can’t help but be worthy of all glory all the time. There are angels whose sole purpose for existence is to cry “Holy, holy holy!” Who are we to think our choices hinder or limit God’s glory? And isn’t the fullness of God’s glory displayed on the cross? Isn’t the gospel—Jesus coming to us in our weakness—his ultimate glory that I have dedicated my life to proclaiming?
If I really want to make his glory and his goodness known, I think being honest about my shortcomings and my struggles is paramount, so that’s what this blog is. This is my “coming out” for all the world to know that I am a mess and God is with me anyway. My purpose as a missionary is allowing my life, my mess, my struggle to be the lens to Jesus. Covering up my mess and trying to limit my grace intake for fear of what others will say or think only cheapens the gospel.
I think we need to remember that the gospel loses its effectiveness and power when we forget to preach it to ourselves – when we forget our need. I am in need of a Savior, Father, and friend just like the people here in Nicaragua, China, Zimbabwe, and America. So, after spending the night in my tent to see whether I should stay or go home I decided that I believe Christianity truly is Jesus plus nothing, so I can do this.
I can feel drained and exhausted and still be used here in Nicaragua or Costa Rica. God is with me whether I am in Panama or America. God can use me in India or Swaziland. God is faithful in China or Zambia so I can do this.
Jesus is enough anywhere, even here.
