Anger is my happy place.
Excuse me. Anger was my happy place. For years, I have hid behind anger to protect my heart and as a way to keep people away from seeing my mess, my pain, my tears. I mean who wants to see me cry? My face gets all hot and splotchy, and I hate the way my voice gets all high pitched and obnoxious, and I’m left feeling so tried and spent. I would often say anger was my go-to emotion.
Anger was safe, comfortable. I knew and understood it well. My first team saw glimpses of the rage that I kept hidden away, and I tried my best to protect them from it. I really only needed it if someone close enough was threatening to hurt me, and then I would slice them with my words. I’ve always been good with words. It wasn’t until month three that my team looked my inner-bitch in the eye and told her, “We’re not scared of you and we love you no matter what you say or do.” I was left speechless.
I’m sorry, what?
These 5 people and I knew that we were on the verge of something huge. The atmosphere of our team time under our thatched roof hut in Swaziland changed. Something shifted and we all felt it. Being hard and being strong was who I was. The thought of being released from my anger sounded like something that I had given up and forgotten long ago. I had resigned myself locking away the beast and hiding it. I was committed to protecting people from it as best I could, but God had other plans and has been up to something since that night in month three.
Somehow, someway, God has made my heart softer, and you know how I know? It was hurt last month. Pain. Sadness. Sorrow. Loneliness. These are emotions that I had always swept under the rug with anger but last month was different. Last month I allowed myself to fully experience sadness and sorrow. When I allowed the space for sorrow something miraculous happened. Jesus showed up.
I believe there is something divine about sorrow.
When I finally stopped resisting and fighting the sadness and allowed it to wash over me, I slowly began to receive peace from being in His presence. God always did love the broken hearted. I began to see him in these little moments that I had been previously been wasting with worry. I spent so much of my time trying to understand what was happening that I was getting lost in the situation rather than in Jesus. Within a day my panic, anxiety, and confusion melted into a stillness that allowed me appreciate Jesus and rest in His promises. I had conversations that were divinely facilitated that did not stir up anger. When I began to allow sadness to enter into my softened heart, I began to experience a deep richness that I think are the beginning stages of joy.
There is also a beautiful symmetry in returning to the idea of joy when that was exactly what my race started with. Joy is hard work most of the time, and contrary to popular belief, it is not the opposite of sadness. People without joy walk around like little rain clouds and bring people around them down, while I can be sad and yet still bring beauty and light to the people around me. Sadness cannot be avoided when you have a soft heart, and I believe without a soft heart you cannot fully experience joy or love.
The only thing in this world more dangerous than anger is love. This past month I experienced a love that overwhelmed and changed me. Love was and is the only thing that had the power to take on hell and that’s exactly what is happening inside of me. The hell disguised as anger found in the deep and hidden places of me are being conquered by a rich joy and even deeper love.
We have to choose to allow that divine space where sorrow can rear its head to truly and fully experience Jesus. It is only when we truly and fully experience one that we can experience the other. Create space and allow yourselves to live in the good and the hard parts of following Jesus. I promise it’s worth it.
