Sometimes I really hate grace. If you have never had a moment when you have hated grace it makes me wonder if you know what grace really is.
This month has been really hard for me. Not in the I’m-crying-everyday sense but the I’m-so-frustrated-and-over-this-I-want-to-scream sense. My living situation is less than ideal and there is NO WHERE to take a break from “roughing it.”
There is also never a break from living in very close community, like extremely close. I discuss and hear things like bathroom visits and that time of the month problems. Are you getting the idea? When you have a really bad day, you have a really bad day sweating with 13 other people. Sounds awesome right?
But living in a place where I have to pee over a hole and shower from a bucket isn’t what makes me feel completely drained, it is grace. Sometimes I really hate grace and today is one of those days.
Grace means even after you have been patient with your team for two months as they get to know you and learn to love you, when they misunderstand or make you mad, you give more grace.
Grace means when someone uses your stuff and loses it, you forgive them and let them borrow something else they need the next day. Grace means that when someone cuts you in line for the shower – and now it’s raining, you shower in the rain, and don’t hold it against them.
Grace is sharing your tent even when your “roommate” brought their own tent.
Grace is washing the dishes again even after you’ve done the dishes the last three nights in a row.
Grace is patiently and lovingly walking with someone through their problems when they are not ready to move on.
The good news is that grace also means I’m writing this blog as I’m listening to Drake and Nicki Minaj. Grace means that even after God has spoken to me the next day I am asking for more as if what he gave me the day before is not enough. Grace means that if I choose to ignore his kids, he still chooses to spend time with me. Grace means even though I have nothing good to offer, God wants to use me for his kingdom anyway. My team needs more grace. My friends back home need more grace. My family needs more grace. My leader needs more grace. The endless stream of African children that want to play all day, every day need more grace.
The other good news is that I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. When my grace runs out, HIS grace flows endlessly from me. I thought I was a good lover of people and maybe I am, but I want to say yes to Jesus when he asks me to be a Kingdom lover of people. You can check out 2 Corinthians 9:8-15. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Are you done? Ok good. Basically God promises us that we will always have more of his grace to carry out every good work, including loving your team when you just got sick over a hole in the ground and they pissed you off again.
In Love Does by Bob Goff he says “I used to think you had to be special for God to use you, but now I know you simply need to say yes.” I think that is true, and resisting God usually ends with a lot more pain and struggle than is necessary. I just need to press into what God is doing and allow HIM to do all the work in me. I just have to say yes. The amazing thing is I already have full access to all the grace and love that I could ever need and then some more to give out to his kids.
Having full access to grace does not mean that it is not hard. Next time more grace is needed I will probably have a huge huffy breath and perhaps a curse word under my breath but I will choose to extend grace anyway. It might not always look pretty but God didn’t ask me to perform perfectly, just obediently. He will make it pretty for me.
Today I really hate grace.
UPDATE: I am currently at $8,100 and I need $11,000 by December 1st. Pray that God does something crazy. Pray big prayers because I still want to take the name of Jesus to Asia, Europe, and Central America!
