Thailand. My most challenging month of the race. I experienced more pain this month than I knew I could handle. My whole team struggled month 6. Thailand was new: new culture, new climate, new ministry. In case you hadn’t heard, Thailand is FREAKING HOT. I don’t know that I’ve ever sweat so much in my life. That took some getting used to. But the heat and the culture change weren’t what was throwing my team and me off. When we got to our ministry site nd met our hosts we instantly fell in love. We were staying with a family who had two kids of their own and had taken in 4 orphans. They loved us so well. It definitely wasn’t our hosts causing our struggles. Our ministry was teaching english in local schools. A lot of us weren’t thrilled about it, but it wasn’t the worst thing we could be doing. I couldn’t figure out why so many of us were struggling to keep our heads above water.
What had I done wrong? Had I failed them in some way? Why didn’t anyone want to talk to me about what was going on? How could I help when I didn’t know how and they couldn’t tell me? (so many flippin questions).
I received a lot of hard feedback in Thailand about being too much of a team leader and not enough of a teammate. I was also told that I don’t open up to my team so that makes them not want to open up to me. Hearing all this made my heart hurt. I had been failing my team. I wasn’t who they needed me to be. Those were my first thoughts. But of course, the Lord came along and showed me the truth.
This wasn’t a “team” issue, this was a heart issue. My “performance” for my team didn’t matter, my walk with Jesus mattered. That was the hardest realization. While I may not have been living up to human standards, my team was calling out things in me that weren’t Christ-like.
I began to take this feedback to the Lord. He started to reopen wounds that were badly infected that I had just kept sticking a band-aid on. He rooted up a lot of pride that I had been holding onto so tightly. The roots were wrapped right around my heart and the uprooting was painful. Now I was in the thick of it. I was facing a mirror and the person staring back at me was disgusting. She was hurtful, resentful, bitter, angry, fearful, and it all stemmed from pride. Pride is a deadly sin because it creeps in and is allowed to kill the good seed Christ has planted. I was stuck staring at myself, my heart breaking over what I had allowed to happen within me and how it had affected others. I remember before I left for the race my brother said to me, “the Race is designed to bring you to brokenness”. I was there. I still am. I’m broken. The emotional pain I feel sometimes manifests physically and my chest will ache, or I will suddenly run out of energy to speak. But there is no place I’d rather be right now than here.
Jesus is here with me. I feel him. I sense his presence. I hear him whisper truths to me through the lies shouting in my own mind. II know he has brought me here and I know he will bring me out again. This is refining fire. It is my choice whether or not I will give my Lord and Savior total control. I want to be like Jesus. As painful as this is, the hope of Christ is my joy and strength. I want to die to myself and live in Christ. Not for him, in him. I can stand on his promise that I will rise again as a new creation. About a week ago the Lord gave me a verse that has been my prayer ever since.
“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” Psalm 51:12
God never leaves us and never forsakes us. He is there in brokenness as well in wholeness. Hold onto His promises because they are true.
