Back in April during our
training camp we did a surrender walk where we were ask to pray about what we
needed to surrender and lay it down before the cross (To read the rest of this
story,
click here). During that
time the Lord spoke to me: The Lord begins to ask not just for my rights,
but for my heart as well. He wants to be my defender and protector. Slowly I
begin to understand this isn’t about my rights, it’s about my heart. That day the Lord asked for my
heart. He asked me to stop trying to protect myself and trust Him with my
heart. I climbed to the top of the mountain and gently laid my heart at the
foot of the cross. I placed it in His loving hands.
But
somewhere along the way I picked my heart back up. Sometime between leaving
Nicaragua and entering Vietnam, when my heart was most broken and my defenses
were down, I allowed the enemy to step in and plant seeds of doubt about the
Lord’s heart towards me. He began his accusations: Can you really trust
God’s heart? If He really had good plans for you, would He always be asking you
to walk away? If you give Him your heart He will keep doing this- giving you
glimpses of what your heart truly desires and then ask you to surrender it to
Him and walk away. Remember Kenya and now Nicaragua. He doesn’t care about your
heart’s desires.
With each accusation I climbed higher and higher up that mountain and then, so
quietly that I didn’t even notice, I slipped my heart back in my pocket and
walked away.
It
happened in an instant, this snatching back of what I had laid before the Lord,
but it took the entire month for me to identify the affects of this choice. All
month I have battled selfishness. I have felt heavy, weary, and disconnected. I
have not been fully present with the Lord, with my team, with the people of
Vietnam, or with my squad. I knew I was struggling with these things, but I
attributed them to the spiritual battle that was raging around us. In almost a
self-righteous pride, I counted these things as my cross to bear as we battled
the enemy in this place. I never stopped to consider the fact that I had chosen
these things.
You
see, the only way I know how to protect my own heart is in selfishly grasping
for what I need and by building walls to keep my heart from being hurt. I had
chosen this selfishness; I was telling myself it was the only way my needs
would be considered or met. I had also chosen this weariness and heaviness; it
is tiring to try to carry burdens that are meant for God’s broad shoulders. I
had even chosen to feel disconnected; my walls may serve well to keep
heartbreak out, but they also keep the Lord and my community away. All the
weights that I had attributed to the spiritual atmosphere of Vietnam were my
own choosing.
“It is
for FREEDOM that Christ as set you free. Stand firm, then, and do not let
yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” – Galatians 5:1
I
had again made myself a slave to my self-protective ways. But praise the Lord
He has already offered me freedom through Christ! So today I find myself back
at the foot of the cross. Again I am proclaiming, “Lord You are trustworthy.
You are good. Your heart towards me is filled with love. Your plans for me are
better than I can ever imagine. So again I place my heart in Your hands. Do
with my heart what You will. Even if You ask me to have my heartbroken in every
country, You are worth it! Your Kingdom is worth it, Your glory is worth it,
and Your people, who need to know Your love, are worth it!”
