Discontentment: the need for more; never being satisfied with what you have.
Discontentment is something I feel like has always been a struggle in my life. Not in terms of ‘keeping up with the Jones’’ but in terms of always wanting more. I don’t care if what I have is the top of the line or anything but what I do care about is what I don’t have. When I go out to eat I struggle to make up my mind because I don’t want to pick one thing and then wish I had ordered the other. When I go grocery shopping I buy things I don’t need, like Extra Virgin Olive Oil, just so that if I ever did need them I would have them. Unfortunately with that scenario I often end up just throwing it away when it expires. But the biggest area of discontentment in my life is travel. Before one trip is over I usually am already thinking about when I will be able to get away again and where I will want to go. It drives my mom nuts. She always asks me why I can’t be happy with the trip we are on. And it’s not that I don’t enjoy the trip we are on its just I get excited about thinking about where we will go next.
I don’t know where this feeling of always needing more came from but I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. I’ve always viewed it as a bad thing wondering what it must be like for other people who do feel content.
Victoria Falls was a dream come true but I had always wanted to see the falls from both the Zambia and Zimbabwe side. Being part of the World Race meant I had rules that I needed to follow and one of those rules was not crossing a border alone. While the reason for the rule I completely understood I was frustrated feeling like it would keep from getting the full Victoria Falls experience I had always wanted. Most everyone else was just happy to be at Victoria Falls and content with not crossing the border. The biggest deterrent keeping people from wanting to cross with me was the visa situation. We would need a visa to get into Zimbabwe and then another to get back into Zambia. In addition to that it would either be a long walk to the park gate or a taxi ride plus a $30usd entrance into the Zimbabwe side park. While at the falls one of the girls I was with graciously offered to go to the Zimbabwe side with me. It should have been yet another dream come true! But instead I heard myself thanking her for the offer but declining! The reasons I had were valid, we got wet enough on the Zambia side and looking over to the Zimbabwe side was just a cloud of mist, I wouldn’t be able to even take my camera with me for fear of it being ruined, also how good of a view would you get with all that mist, but part of me was still wondering what on earth I was doing. For the first time in my life I was content! I was so happy to have had my dream come true of just seeing the falls that I no longer needed to spend the approximate $200usd it would cost me to go to the Zimbabwe side even though it was so close I could see it and I actually had someone willing to go with me! I wondered if I would later regret my decision and while yes it would have been nice to have gone, a month later I still don’t regret not going.
Another thing I had wanted to do at Victoria Falls was to swim in the Devil’s Pool. At the top of the falls there is a natural pool carved out among the rocks right at the lip of the falls. In the low water season when the water is slower moving you can literally sit on the edge of the falls as the water rushes past you falling the 100m to the river below. While technically not low season any longer a recent drought had been keeping the pool open. It was a day by day decision by the guides and while it had closed down our one full day there due to heavy rain we were told there was the chance of it being reopened the next morning before we were supposed to leave. What a perfect way to cap off an amazing trip! But that night after the beauty of just being in the presence of the falls and then the river cruise and getting to see hippos and elephants I decided to change my mind about the pool. Even though I felt like I knew God would open the pool since he made everything else I had dreamed of and prayed for come true I decided enough was finally enough! I knew if I did it it would have been great; made for great pictures and great stories. But I also knew that by not doing it it wouldn’t make my trip to Victoria Falls any less memorable or special an experience. I again found myself feeling content. So instead while my friends headed off to swim at the edge of a waterfall I slept in, had a nice breakfast, and then treated myself to a massage. When they got back I looked at their pictures and listened to their stories and thought to myself “man that’s cool” but I had no regrets.
On the long ride back to Lusaka I was reflecting back on our whirlwind that Victoria Falls I started to think about how I was oddly content with the little that I did and why I had never experienced this feeling before. It was in that moment that God revealed to me I am in fact a content person. I am just not content in the same ways others are. I am content with what I have at home. I don’t have Netflix or a DVD player for my tv but I’m fine with that. My clothes aren’t name brand because I shop at places like Old Navy and Target but I’m fine with that and while at home I have a closet full of clothes this past 6 months I have lived with only 3 t-shirts to wear and I am fine with that too. I haven’t felt the need to go out and buy new clothes during the race to supplement the clothing I had packed from home like a lot of other people have because I didn’t care about needing to look fashionable in a big city or felt like I had gotten tired of what I brought. I am content with having a few really good friends who know me better than I know myself rather than a large group of friends who just want to have a good time. I am content with being in a group of people but also with being alone. I am content to be busy but also to spend a quiet night on the couch watching tv. I am also content with not having to get internet every time I have five free minutes. While I seldom am content when it comes to travel God showed me I am in fact a content person. I love travel, there is no mistaking that. But God gave me the passion of travel and the world and other cultures for a reason. And if it is from that passion that my discontentment is bred from then I have to believe it is for a purpose and not just because I want more, more, more.
Even this month here in South Africa I have experienced contentment. South Africa is one of those place that is on the top of my travel list. There is so much to do and see here and I want to do it all! I want to cage dive with sharks, I want to go to Robben Island where Nelson Mandela was imprisoned, I want to sandboard, I want to surf, I want to go up Table Mountain and overlook Cape Town, I want to visit the friends I have here who I met teaching in Korea, I and to go to where the Indian Ocean meets the Atlantic Ocean, and I want to go to Cape Point and see the seals and penguins. But this month other than a morning here, an evening there, and an odd afternoon we only had/have two days off the whole month where we normally have two day a week off. Living only a 3 minute walk from the ocean and board rentals only being $10 for a half a day I decided I wanted to spend my time surfing. But in this whole month I have only gotten to do that twice and not because I was busy doing other things, there was just no time. But instead of being frustrated or bitter about it I feel happy to have been even twice. I have loved working at the camp here and while more time more off to do things would be nice I really haven’t missed it or felt like I was in need of it or that I would risk burning out like I thought might happen. I again have been content.
I have learned that there really is such a thing as enough!
