I walk outside the house/church that my team has been living in at El Shaddai this month and I smell it. The smell I hate. The smell that brings back so many bad memories, the smell that reminds me that I am not in control, the smell that brings so much fear and anxiety into my heart. The smell is ash, the smell of burnt land, the smell of fire.
Last night (June 15th) there was a huge wind storm on top of the mountain where winds were blowing at 60 or 70 mph. With the wind storm a couple of fires started to spread pretty quickly throughout the mountains around us. WE WERE SAFE!!!! We saw two fires off in the distant burning and then a fire started burning on the mountain parallel to us. It was not moving towards us but moving alongside us. We were also really fortunate because the boys had just finished creating a fire break all around the property But seeing the flames, watching the aggressively move up the mountain, brought back all the fears of my past and how destructive fire really can be.
On Sunday Oct 26, 2003, my family was getting ready to get ready for church. My dad had left that morning to fly to Washington DC and my siblings and I were sitting on the couch watching cartoons. That morning was especially weird because the sky was a weird yellow/orange color and it had been raining ash all morning. We knew there was a fire in the city about 20 miles away but we were not super worried. Around 7:30 am our next door neighbor came to our door saying they had been out and say the fire traveling towards our neighborhood and they are going to evacuate. That put my family in hyper drive. We started gather clothes, pictures, some food, anything that we felt was important to take with us. While running up and down my driveway I could remember feeling the heat of the fire, seeing the glow of it and just becoming more and more fearful. About 45 minutes after we started evacuating, the police started coming through our neighborhood telling people they needed to evacuate NOW! So we grab the dog, my siblings and as we hop into the cars. I see the flames coming over the hill. I can remember the heat of the flames, which were about 150 yards away, on my skin, I can vividly see the huge wall of flames standing before me. It was terrifying.
For the next three days we watched on the news how fire blazed through San Diego. Hundreds of houses were burned down that week, including 40 houses in my neighborhood of 100 homes. As 12 year old, it was terrifying to think that I could lose everything I knew, losing my “safe place”, having to start all over. Fire became this destructive force that could come upon me at any second. Any time my family smelled ash or heard of a fire near us, we were all on high alert. Then again in 2007 fire raged through San Diego again. My family had moved to a different part of the city and our new home was also very threatened by the fires. After the storm burned our house was one of the 6 houses that survived out of the 20 houses on my street. It was a miracle from God that our house survived.
Walking into Swaziland this month, God had made it very clear to me that Africa was going to be a season of learning how to live with no fear, not letting myself walk in fear or worry but boldly walking out knowing that God will protect me in all circumstances. Obviously that sounds crazy and scary but I was ready for what God had for me, not thinking one of my greatest fears would manifest its self. For the first two weeks I dealt with things like walking in the dark by myself, seeing snakes which I hate and having limited running water for four days. Then last night everything changed.
I came face to face with fire. We watched the fire climb the hill consuming everything thing in its path while the wind whipped in our face. But through all the chaos, instead of feeling fear, I felt a need to pray, I felt a need to comfort others, I felt a need to bring peace to the situation. Sure, I definitely felt some anxiety and nervousness in the situation but as all of the girls started to pray, worship and just call truth into the air; God reminded me that He had already protected me not once but twice before, wouldn’t he do it again?
Isaiah 43:1-3 says “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the FIRE you WILL NOT be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”
My God is a big God and though I face trial, though I face things that threaten me, I SHOULD NOT and WILL NOT fear for I know that he has me in the palm of his hand and he WILL take care of me. Honestly, what do I have to be afraid of? My house is just a bunch of things and memories which will fade away one day, my body will pass away in time but He is eternal, He is all I have and God will never ever leave me. That is what I have to hold on to. When the spirit of fear tries to hold me down, I MUST REMEMBER THAT “Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever” and that no matter what I lose, not matter how much it hurts, I have all I need to survive walking alongside me, comforting me, loving me and guiding me every step of the way. How Amazing is that???? Amen!
