We showed up to Mongolia 20 days ago with excitement. I think it’s safe to say that the whole of Z squad was abuzz with anticipation. It’s pioneer month. We’re the first World Race squad to visit Mongolia.
I came into this excited. I was finally assigned to a ministry that actually appealed to me, I was in a good place with my team. Everything told me that it was going to be a good month.
At our last debrief my teammate spoke these words over me
“He hears you”
That was pretty cool I thought. The maker of the universe was reminding me that He hears me, and that He cares about what I have to say. It motivated me to keep pushing and praying.
That being said, I did not expect my insides to get busted open days after our arrival.
Within 24 hours my whole outlook changed.
I fell off the mountain, straight into the valley.
That morning my alarm went off at 4:00am on the dot. I gulped down my instant coffee and headed off to my first morning of homeless ministry. The sun wasn’t up yet and it was drizzling as we walked to our destination. The city was still sleeping, but we were ready.
When we arrived Kathy, the director, chatted with us and gave us the quick version of her testimony. Then we got to work. Three teammates went upstairs to fill up bowls with soup and serve. The rest of us stayed downstairs to help clean. Chatting only occasionally, I scrubbed pots, pans, walls, and floors.
Midmorning, and mid scrub, I heard the phone ring. It was my team leader calling to tell me that one of my teammates, Oralia, just bought a plane ticket home due to health issues. Frustration and sadness ripped through me.
Before I could even have a full thought, Kathy came in for a chat. She may be the most intentional person I’ve ever met. Without wasting a second she asked hard questions. The ones you don’t usually like to answer.
Having just got the news about Oralia I wasn’t ready for the personal questions and I ended up surprising myself. I answered everything she asked, honestly.
Normally, I don’t tell people why homelessness breaks my heart so much. But that morning, I told Kathy. She looked back at me with sad but understanding eyes and told me that she’d be praying for my Dad.
I spent the rest of the day numb. Telling Kathy about my Dad was really hard.
Saying goodbye to Oralia was also really hard. I hugged her tight that last night and reminded her that God had good things for her. She reminded me that He hears me.
My numbness melted and turned into tears.
Really, does God hear me?
It sure doesn’t feel like it.
Does He really have good things for our futures?
It sure doesn’t seem like it.
I wish that I could share a magical moment of enlightenment with you. The moment when it all comes together and I find the secret to life and finally figure out why bad things happen.
I can’t share it, because I didn’t have it.
The truth is, Oralia is still home. My dad still sleeps in his car sometimes. There are still homeless living underneath the city in Mongolia-keeping warm by the sewage pipes.
I don’t get it and I’m broken.
But I do know God is good. He has to be.
And I cry out,
Break me deeper. I want to trust you more.
