We were all at a cafe breaking our involuntary internet fast. I was just scrolling through Pinterest and saw this picture. I actually laughed out loud at this picture. It’s a beautiful picture, very simple words, and a cute little design. Nothing profound or heart-wrenching.
But right now the weight and reality of those words to me are as heavy as lead.
I re-read the blog I wrote a while back about what my expectations were for this trip – to see God move, to grow in my faith, to have new experiences… to be changed. I wouldn’t say that my expectations for this trip have changed. I would, however, say that those things I wrote about have gone from cute Christianese thoughts in my head to painful hard facts in my walk. Don’t get me wrong – God has been doing big things in my life. I’m just learning that sometimes what sounds great on paper sucks in real life.
Last month God took away my passion – specifically for video. It means that I have no desire to pick up my camera, making videos is like pulling teeth, and it is painful for me to even open premier to edit. I don’t have dreams for my future anymore – all of them had to do with video. When I think about my future I just see black. When people ask me about my future, for the first time in my life, I literally can’t give them an answer. At times I feel utterly empty.
At first I was just super freaked out. I’ve never had an issue when it came to what I should do with my life. I’ve always known it was video. I didn’t understand why God wold do this until one of my teammates talked to me about where I get my identity from. I realized that I had wrapped my identity up in what I did rather than in who God says I am.
I would love to say that last month I grew so much, learned so much, etc. But no, most of last month was spent questioning God, fighting God, and double guessing Him. I kind of just had a spiritual temper tantrum all month. Needless to say I didn’t make much progress. One thing I did learn last month is that God does listen to everything… He listens when I yell at him, when I cry to Him, and when I just wanna talk. Although I was struggling, I never once felt alone.
When we came to South Africa I was hoping that God would just give me my passion back. But He didn’t. I realized that I needed to approach this differently, so I did the only thing I could: I got quiet. This month I’ve spent a lot more time learning to listen and seeing what God has to say to me – mostly through other people.
I’m learning to live out who God has made me to be.
I’m learning more about my voice and how to use it.
I’m learning about grace and trust.
So what’s next? Maybe this is just a phase and my love for video will return… or maybe it won’t. Maybe God is calling me to something COMPLETELY different than what I’ve been doing. I have no clue…. at all. None.
I can tell you without a doubt that change isn’t easy.
I do want to share this song with you.. http://youtu.be/CGDVlOKoOoE I didn’t even know I had it on my iPhone ’till one afternoon I just needed some alone time. I grabbed my iPhone, picked the first Christian artist in iTunes, and hit shuffle. I love it. And its so true.
