Just in case I don’t post this for a few days or weeks, I’m writing this blog on January 27th. I feel like this disclaimer should be at the beginning of every blog I write from here until the end of my trip: This blog going to be really random thoughts and I’m going to be super transparent about what is going on inside of me.
I’ve been in India now for about 23 days and I can’t believe my time here is almost up. It seems like just yesterday we were getting on the plane in NYC. I can honestly say this has been one of the hardest and most enjoyable times of my life. I have learned so much about myself and where I am in my life that I don’t think anyone would even know who I was anymore. All the small things about me have changed like; I only shower every 4 days and not 4 times a day J, I will eat anything that is put in front of me if I’m hungry enough, I’m no longer picky, I don’t have the nervous stomach anymore, and I never have alone time, oh and no smells bother me, I have adapted to being able to block my nose from smelling.
But now on a more serious note, India and I say “India” with a long draw out southern accent that sounds super sad (so you guys get the whole affect). This place absolutely breaks my heart. It has 1/6 of the world’s population. The ground is covered in trash, it’s literally everywhere. You can be walking through a town and see a super nice building and then you will see a shack where people actually live. It’s such a variety of lifestyles all mixed into one. They have a Hindu statue on one corner then across the street there will be a Christian church. There are men in business suits and then men who are peeing on the side of the road. There are cell phone stores about every 10 feet, but you can’t find clean water anywhere. I really feel like I’m in a twilight zone.
There is one thing about this culture that I completely identify with, all of the women here no matter what social status feel like all of their worth is put into how they look on the outside. Every morning I wake up to see all of these girls at the orphanage put on their best dresses, braid their hair, and put on their jewelry and make up. This happens with every woman you see here. You never see a girl with her hair down or even without her best jewelry on. It’s a real struggle for someone who thought coming into this that this year was about leaving materialism/ caring about how I look all behind. I have barely any makeup with me, which I never get to wear it anyways, and I didn’t pack my best clothing. So every day I have a real struggle with how I feel based on the fact that I have brown hair, no blow dryer or straightner, and let’s be honest I look a hot mess without some makeup. Not to mention everyone here is very blunt. If I have acne they are all sure to point it out and the girls are always trying to fix my hair or make my clothes look better. So that really doesn’t help someone’s self esteem. Ha.
The other day Lauren and I thought we were going to be speaking at a women’s conference that the orphanage was putting on for women in the local village. We had no idea what to speak on and so we prayed for some guidance from God and of course what verses did He tell us to read? 1Peter 3: 3-4. So, we went with it and kept praying about it and the words to say. We had this whole spill prepared to tell all of these Indian women how they were putting so much into the way they looked and really what they should be putting all that effort into being Godly women. Whelp, guess what? We never even got to speak. Guess who the lesson really was for…………. Us. Wow. Of course. Way to slap us in the face there, Lord. Now He had my attention. I put way too much into how I look and honestly determine my day around how I feel depending on if I’m “pretty” or not. I have always had this image in my head of how I should look. Not to mention I have had hundreds of people tell me to have “blonde hair because it looks better, or put on lipstick because it will make you look alive” but really what does any of that matter? Especially if the life I’m living actually has no spiritual worth? While I still look at pictures and cringe just a little, I am beginning to realize what actual beauty is. But come on guys, its only month one on the race…. I can’t be completely healed of a lifetime of self image issues just in one month……….I’m still a work in progress, but I will keep you updated.
