Wow, I almost don't even know where to start this blog.
I rolled over at 7:40 this morning because a lot of the girls were already up and moving around. When I heard the notice of something falling over, I feared it was my iPad that was charging in the wall. I bolted up. Thankfully it wasn't my iPad but I grabbed it anyway and got back into bed. Because I was already awake, I decided to check my email. The first email was one that I had been eagerly waiting for. Unfortunately, it contained bad news. I had not received the job that I had thought was perfect for me. Crestfallen, I buried myself under my blankets for 5 minutes. So many thoughts and questions flooded my mind, and looking back, a lot of them were lies from the enemy. Was I not good enough for this job? Was there something wrong with me? The circumstances had all seemed so right, I was so sure that this was where God was calling me. But I guess I was wrong. And if course, the biggest question of all, "Well then, God, where are you calling me?" Feeling lost and confused, I rolled out of bed, threw on clothes, and wandered to the nearest restaurant that had wifi and was open… Which turned out to be McDonald's.
After grabbing a frappe, I settled into a corner, and open my journal, ready to demand answers from God about my future. I listened to worship music, read my bible, journal, and prayed. All the things I was "supposed to do". This job had seemed so perfect for me. I was passionate about it, it would've been a great use of my spiritually giftings, it would've brought me back to LA… I just didn't get it. Plus, I know couldn't stop asking, well what now? I want to dive into whatever God is calling me to, but I have absolutely no clue what that is. I started listening to an event that the church I had grew up in had recently hosted. It was called "the dream event" and I think I started listening to it with the expectation that God was going to dowload some new master plan for my life. I couldn't finish it though. I gave up twenty minutes into it because I kept pausing it to ask God questions. I realized that I was supposed to leave for church soon, but messages a friend to tell her I wouldn't be going because I needed Jesus time.
10 minutes later I was still anxious and getting nowhere. "Do you want me to go to church, God?"
"Lindsey, you will get know where today by sitting in this McDonald, firing away question after question. You need to be quiet and listen to what I have to tell you"
A memory from a few years ago suddenly resurfaced. It was a sermon that God used to tell me exactly what I needed to hear during a season of my life when I had been thrown a huge curveball. I knew then what God was telling me to do. I grabbed my stuff, hopped on a trolley, and headed to Vilandes (my favorite Latvian Church). I said hi to a Latvian friend and then headed upstairs to the balcony where they would have someone translate for us. I saw my friend Shelley, and began pouring out my heart and verbally processing and crying. She tried to speak truth but I didn't want to hear. Then as the service was about to start, two translators came up, and one of them was my friend, Elina. Seeing that I was upset, she sat down on the steps with me while the other girl went to the other side of the balcony to translate. Suddenly, I had my own personal translator who just so happened to also be a personal friend. The worship band got up, and I couldn't help but smile when I recognized the first song. They were singing it in Latvian but I would recognize that song in any language: "In Christ Alone."
"What heights of love, what depths of grace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease, my comforter, my all in all, here in the love of Christi stand"
A pastor came up and my friend translated that he was talking about the passage in Matthew when Peter and his brother were called to be disciples.
"They said yes to a stranger. They didn't know anything about their 'new job'. There was no job description, no salary. They blindly said yes. They dropped every they had to follow some man they didn't even know, just because he told thm they were to become fishers of men."
Boom.
God is constantly inviting me to be a fisher of men for him. And while the idea always excites me, I always start asking questions as soon as I hear the invitation. The disciples literally dropped their nets and followed Jesus. To be honest, if I were with them, I might have dropped my net but I would have immediately sat downtown ask a zillion question: "where are we going? For how long? What will be my specific role? Can I go back a bag?"
another thing I realized I do. I try to take control. Whenever God even gives me a glimpse of what his plans might be for me, I tend to let my imagination run away from me. I did it when with the job. I applied and interviewed and then began picturing everything that the ministry could look like, things I could do, places I could live. God invites me to be apart of his process, but I always try to take over. I keep trying to take control and stuff God in some tiny box.
So instead of giving me all the answers today, God fired back with some questions of his own.
"Will you follow me? Do you trust me enough to go with out knowing all the answers? Do you trust me that I know what is best for you? That I love you and want you to be a part of my big picture. Do you trust that I won't let you down?"
The truthful answers to his questions: I want to say yes. But I don't know. But here is what I do know. In three days I am hopping on a plane to India. In six days I will be back at SCH, working with Jodi. I have no idea what he will teach and tell me and show me during my month in India, but I await with holy anticipation. And I have absolutely no idea what life past July 4th looks like.
But one thing that I will have to remember:
What God is doing in me is more important than what he is doing through me. He has plans to use me for his kingdom, but most importantly, he just wants me.
