That you, O God, are strong.
And that you, O Lord, are loving.
I want to share a piece of what Jesus has been teaching since I arrived in India. I want to share why the village of Satri will always hold a piece of my heart. I also want to work on being more vulnerable and saying the hard things so yeah here’s to that.
A few years ago a guy told me that I was nearly unlovable. “Good luck” they said to finding someone who would be willing to love me. I think the worst part was that he said it out of anger. It was a simple text sent to my phone, but has had some of the most lasting effects on me. Those words cut my soul in the deepest part that I didn’t even know existed until recently. This idea of being unlovable haunted me and changed the way I saw myself. It changed the way I let others see me and treat me, especially guys. It defined me. I embraced it.
I became someone who was “lucky” to find someone to love me. I invested my time and energy into someone who saw me as difficult. So, I believed I was difficult, near impossible to even be around. I let myself be talked down to, be looked at with damage and baggage. I lost myself. I lost sight of who I wanted to be. They took things from me that I can never get back. I ultimately became shame. Shame that I am bad, I am dirty. I am unlovable. This idea and label went on for too long. It became so deeply engraved into me that I didn’t notice it. I didn’t see it as something to work on or work through.
I do this really stupid thing where I ask God to teach me something really hard. It’s stupid because I say this stuff and then get annoyed when Jesus is like “okay lets go”. Bless me.
Early January I prayed for the Lord to show me what my identity is in HIM. What does Jesus call me? When Jesus spoke my name into existence, what did he see? I prayed to know. And praise the Lord for Josh Potter and his ability to make me realize new things about myself and Jesus everyday. Literally the same day I wrote those thoughts and prayers in my journal, I had a conversation with Josh that brought so much light to all the lies I was believing about me. I honestly looked at myself as damaged good.
And so began my adventure of seeking my identity in Jesus.
I call it an adventure because I don’t always know what I’m doing or where I’m going or how I’m going to get there, but I am going. I am walking, sometimes running.
The past few weeks I have been cleaning out my false sense of self. I have been recognizing lies and the power they have had over me. It has been a painful process. But slowly, I am getting to a place where I can sit at the foot of the cross with open hands and listen for Jesus to fill me back up with truth.
What sucks is that there is not a step by step tutorial on how to find your identity in Jesus. It is a process and not an easy one at that. But I have a running list in my journal on all the things I am according to scripture.
I am worthy
Holy
Forgiven
Without blemish
Dearly loved
Enough
Redeemed
In Christ
Qualified
Wanted
Pure
Made alive
And so much more.
January was a lot of learning to love myself again. But not the person I thought I was. I am learning to love the person Jesus created me to be. The goofy, EASY TO LOVE, qualified, pure, redeemed and forgiven self. I think this is something I am going to be learning for a long time. What Jesus saw when he spoke me into existence, and how can I live that out? I challenge you to ask yourself and Jesus the same question. What does he see in you? What does he call you? What does the world call you that Jesus does not? Ask the hard questions people.
Life Update!!!! I am currently living in the village of Darchawi with my new team (EVERGREEN) and another team. We are still getting settled and trying to find our place here in this village while adjusting to new teams. It has been good. I have also lost my ability to cry? Not sure what happened there. I bought a pair of yellow fake crocs at the market. Really just embracing my lack of style. FOUND SOME DRY TIDE DETERGENT HECK YES!! I am sleeping in a tent in my lovely sleeping pad and cozy sleeping bag (seriously love my sleeping bag a little too much). The days here are pretty warm but the nights are cool, so it’s comfortable to sleep. I eat rice and butter cookies all the time. My armpits are hairy and I need Melynne to wax them (miss you sis). I actually miss my entire family and the way they can make me laugh harder than anyone. But I’ll see them soon enough. Thanks for reading!!
All my lovessss
Linds
