Note: This blog contains information that may or may not change how you see me and how you think about the way God moves. It is set in Bucharest, Romania at the Dub's four month debrief.
Let me explain: Yesterday morning during our squad worship time, I was singing along with my squad, maybe swaying along with the beat (nothing too crazy), speaking some words of encouragement to a squadmate, and being loved on by another when all of a sudden a sadness came over me and I started to cry. Not just a little crying (the kind that doesn’t muss one’s mascara) no, no, an intense and overwhelming weeping. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, all I could do was sit on the ground in a ball and sob. A friend came over and walked me to the other side of the room to try and talk to me but I couldn’t even speak, again all I could do was cry. Noe ( one of the AIM staffers) came over me and began to pray peace and comfort over me, and as I was able to calm down a bit and share what I was feeling (broken hearted, just to be clear) and Noe reminded me that I belong to the Lord and that He loves me exactly where and like I am, that I am a daughter of the King and that nothing could separate me from Him. And while I may not understand what was happening to me, sometimes the Lord just needs to wrestle with us to bring us closer to His heart and to live more in His Spirit.
Since yesterday morning the Lord has been moving in my life, showing me why my heart needed to be broken before Him. That in order to love more, to bring all of me and set it at His feet I needed to break, I needed to not be in control, I needed to be so outside of myself that the only truth I could see was Him and His love for me. And that’s just the beginning. That night at worship the Dub squad danced joyfully before the Lord, we shouted out praise to Him and I felt (for one of the first times) completely comfortable in jumping around and shouting things to the Lord. So much freedom! And the story continues the next morning as well (these people I’m surrounded by are relentless in the pursuit of the Lord, praise Jesus!). This morning we talked about past wounds and hurts that keep us from believing the truth the Lord has for our lives. Nathan (my fantastic new squad leader) came over and asked me some tough questions about my past and what was holding me back. I realized over the course of the morning that I have a nasty habit of comparing myself to others, not just people at home but even amongst my squad. This is not of the Lord and I declared in front of the whole squad (loudly) that “I DON’T HAVE TO COMPARE MYSELF TO ANYONE! I AM BEAUTIFUL! and I AM A DAUGHTER OF THE KING!!” Needless to say the Lord has more work to do in me, but I am so ready and excited to see what He has. I am ready to be vulnerable and honest, loving and bold, humble and courageous.
For you do not delight in sacrifice or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God you will not despise.
Psalm 51: 16-17
