Ugly. that’s the only word to accurately describe my spirit in that moment.
Last night our squad leaders publicly recognized those on our squad who had served as Team Leaders, Treasurers, and Logistics Coordinators for the past few months of the race. All of them were individually called up to the front and given a token of recognition and a warm round of applause. And as every name was called, my pride swelled with jealousy. My mind swam in questions – “Why have I never been asked to lead a team?” “Do they think I’m incapable?” “Why her and not me?” “I can do all of these jobs!!!” “I want my name to be recognized for leading people!”
I, me, I, I, I, me, my, I, me, me, me, I, I, I, I, my, my, me, I, me, I, I, me, me, me!!!!
How in the world did I get here?!
I remember college graduation, both mine and the year before. How much frustrated jealously dwelt within me as I watched my peers, one after the next, receive recognition for their achievements. The beginning of those ceremonies was the worst as I had to force myself to clap for their achievements that were out of my reach (4.0 GPA) and those that I was quite possibly incapable of achieving (Honors Thesis). I struggled so much to be excited for my peers, for their successes, achievements and growth when I knew they surpassed mine.
I have always strove to do my best with the gifts and talents I’ve been given. And I’ve known as a Christian, I am supposed to be a good steward of them. But somehow, at the end of the day, it just feels like it wasn’t enough. And thanks to my type-A, perfectionist, self-comparison mentality, being surrounded by people who are pretty awesome at life only exacerbates my prideful envy.
All of this then begs the question: “Who in the world am I working so damn hard to receive recognition from?”
The first few honest answers that come to mind are: myself, others…and then screeching in on a distant third – God. What kind of Christian am I?! I’ve been an active missionary for the past 8 months and reading convicting scriptures (Colo 3:23-24, Gala 1:10, Matt 23:11, Phil 2:3) for almost my entire life and I still don’t get it. Why haven’t I figured this out yet?
I would really love to end this story by saying something like ‘But then God spoke to me through [insert random scripture] and I see so differently now’ or ‘Last night God wrecked me – in a puddle of tears, with my face humbled on the floor, I was overwhelmed with so much conviction over my ugly jealous pride that it feels like a thing of the distant past.’
But that’s not where I am. I’m in the middle of this story and I have no idea how it’s going to end.
The only thing my soul hears right now is ‘submit’ – Submit to the authority of the Holy Spirit.
I’m not even 100% sure how I am supposed to do this, except that I am to subject myself to the instructions I received from the Spirit. And what might you guess is my first instruction? Write this blog. Admit that I have a problem with jealousy and pride and admit that it is ugly. Isn’t this what they say is the first step to recovery?
So here I am. My name is Lindsay Ann Westerfield and I am jealously prideful.
