I love to read. Which is hysterical and ironic at the same time because I can count on my hands how many books I read in full from the ages of 10-18. When it was mandatory, I hated it. I remember sitting in assisted reading groups in elementary school because my teachers thought I couldn’t read. Now, I know that’s not true. The fact of the matter is is that I read what I want, when I want.
Now-a-days that just so happens to be quite often.
I walk past a bookshelf every morning and afternoon when I enter this month’s apartment. There’s quite a collection and I was overjoyed when I discovered that I would not only have a room with a bed, and a bathroom with a real shower and toilet, but also a complementary bookshelf overflowing with a large variety of genres.
One book continues to catch my eye, however. Catcher in the Rye.
When I was 16, life hit me fast. It was a few years after I had lost my Great Grandpa and Grandma, and the year I had lost my friend D.J. High school was beginning to resemble death and destruction for me and I went into a deep depression. But I found some sort of odd comfort in this book. It was required for my junior year English class but this time, I enjoyed this mandatory read. I probably read it 5 times over before the rest of the class was finished with the book. The angst and alienation that Holden felt in the book, I felt too. His downward spiraling reality was quickly becoming my own.
A decade and a couple hundred books later, I just finished The Noticer. It’s a book about perspective. I won’t spoil it for you, but it’s a story about a character who notices things about people in difficult times and seasons, and steps in to give them a positive perspective. Towards the end of the book, the main character, Andy, meets a boy who is in nearly the same downward spiraling position he was in before he got a dose of some healthy perspective.
I wondered what I would tell my 16-year-old self after a decade of journeying through my many doses of healthy perspective. I wondered what words would pour forth as I would attempt to talk myself off the cliff, as Holden imagined when he read the poem Catcher in the Rye. Here are some of those words.
Dear 16-year-old self,
At 26, life is nothing like what you’d pictured. But it’s better than you could ever imagine.
Life is hard right now, that’s an understatement. You’ll have to say goodbye to a lot of special people for the rest of your life. But the beautiful part is, you have so many special people in your life to say goodbye to. It’s okay to be heartbroken. It sucks. Feel those feelings, don’t push them away. But don’t forget to be thankful that you knew them too. That’s the real beauty of it all.
You’re pushing God away out of anger. You feel like you’ve lost too much. Sweetie, He created those beautiful beings you have the pleasure of calling family and friends. And I know that some things just don’t make sense. Why did D.J have to die at 13? You don’t know, and maybe you’ll never know, but one day you’ll see the difference he made in so many lives. And you’ll strive to make a difference like he did too. One day you’ll feel the hurt, but still see the good. And you’ll feel peace in knowing that joy and sorrow can be experienced simultaneously. One day you’ll cling to God instead of holding Him at arms length. One day you’ll allow Him to bring you comfort instead of blaming Him.
You stopped talking to God because you think He’s the reason for your heartbreak. But one day, you’ll talk to Him everyday. He’ll remind you of His love, goodness, and mercy. All the things you stopped believing in. He’ll give you so many dreams, and then He’ll make them come true. You stopped believing in His promises, but one day you’ll open up the Bible and see them writing on every page. And you’ll see them written on every page of your own life too.
You feel lost. You feel hurt. You feel lonely. You’re searching for connection through so many unfulfilling avenues. You want to be everyone’s friend. You want to please everyone. You’re not satisfied with fitting into one group; you have to fit into every group. You’ll feel exhausted. One day you won’t find value in titles or opinions. You’ll be confident in knowing your worth and identity is solely based what God says about you. And in reading this, you’ll laugh and roll your eyes, but let that inner cynic go, my friend. Because some things aren’t “Christianese,” some things are just plain truth.
You hate church. You hate community. It makes you uncomfortable. You see vulnerability as weakness, not strength. Linds, I’m here to tell you that that’s the biggest lie. This one is crucial. Vulnerability begets freedom. And trust me, when you fight through the pain of being vulnerable, layers and layers of fear, distrust, hurt, pain will fall off like leaves in autumn. You want that. And the best part is, your freedom will free others. That’s how God works.
You have a dream for your life, but it’s shallow. You dream of a house, a car, a man with some romantic love story; but Linds, you’re 26 now and you don’t have those things. I know, shocking. But the best part is, you realize those things don’t fill voids. And you’re getting closer and closer to a point in your life where you don’t have any voids to fill, because you’re confident in God’s faithfulness and goodness. You trust in His plans for you. And you’ll feel so much peace.
At 26 years old you have visited 14 countries on a mission to share the love of God that you thought you might never feel. You were always too afraid to step out of your comfort zone, but now you live to be outside of it. Ironic how you’ll discover that you find comfort in the uncomfortable, that’s a good place to be. You’ll give up bitterness in exchange for grace. You’ll give up apathy in exchange for passion. You’ll give up hesitation in exchange for determination. You’ll give up fear in exchange for bravery.
You have so much influence.
You don’t think you do, but you do.
And Linds, there is so much joy on the other side. So cheer up love, because life will be a beautiful adventure. You just have to believe. As J.D Salinger puts it in that book you love, Catcher in the Rye,
“I think that one of these days, you’re going to have to find out where you want to go. And then you’ve got to start going there.”
And one day, you will.
Much love,
Your 26-year-old self
“Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them- if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry.”
The Catcher in the Rye, J.D Salinger
“Despite popular belief to the contrary, there is absolutely no power in intention. The seagull may intend to fly away, may decide to do so, may talk with the other seagulls about how wonderful it is to fly, but until the seagull flaps his wings and takes to the air, he is still on the dock. Likewise, there is no difference in the person who intends to do things differently and the one who never thinks about it in the first place. Have you ever considered how often we judge ourselves by our intentions while we judge others by their actions? Yet intention without action is an insult to those who expect the best from you. If you have changed, show evidence of it.”
Andy Andrews, The Noticer
