“You look so pretty”
I read the words on my iPhone screen as I check the little red heart notifications and scroll through my Instagram feed.
“I haven’t showered since that picture. I skipped running this morning and ate chocolate instead. You’re only looking at what’s above my collar bone. You haven’t seen me in 6 months, you see what I show you” I think to myself as I roll my eyes and keep scrolling.
Inner monologues can KILL.
The reality is, I am pretty. They are right. But I don’t need any little red heart notifications to remind me of that.
A few months ago in South Africa I would look in the mirror every morning and say to myself “you are beautiful” because that’s what God says about me and I needed the daily reminder until I finally started to believe it.
Since that month, there haven’t been any mirrors. God’s challenging me in different ways. He says I don’t need a mirror to tell me I’m beautiful. So He got rid of them.
Now what? Now I have to fully rely on Him and His words. But often I find myself relying on my own self-hatred instead.
I bought a dress in Cambodia. It caught my attention, and it’s beautiful. Every time I’ve worn it I get compliments.
“That dress is so beautiful!”
At first I was flattered. I felt so beautiful in it! But there was still a piece missing that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Now I know what it is.
The compliment means nothing. Empty words. Because they’re right, the dress is beautiful. That’s why I bought it. But they could have seen it hanging on the hanger and it would still mean the same thing. “The dress is beautiful.”
Whether it’s hanging lifeless on a hanger or draping off of my curvy body- the compliment means the same thing.
I want to change their words.
“Lindsay, you are beautiful in that dress. Hell, you are beautiful in jeans and a t-shirt. You are beautiful when you eat too many spoonfuls of peanut butter, you are beautiful when you wake up early to go running. You are beautiful after you shower, and you are beautiful on day 3 when you throw your greasy hair up in a bun. You are beautiful at 140 lbs when your collar bones peek through, you are beautiful at 160 lbs when dem thick thighs and love handles struggle to fit in dem jeans.
You are beautiful not because of what people tell you, not because of notifications, not because of your inner monologue. You are beautiful because it’s what God says.”
That’s a much better compliment.
I read my favorite bloggers words in a recent post “Don’t mistake the inspiration to change for unnecessary self hatred.”-Kay Zilch
Yeah. That’s accurate, I feel that and maybe you do too. This month we were challenged to incorporate fitness into our routines by our fellow health track leader. It had been the first time I laced up my sneakers in a WHILE. But it felt so good. Until I started huffing and puffing mile 1.
“What? How did I get here? You’re so lazy. You are getting fat. How embarrassing!”
Do you ever listen to yourself throughout the day? If you don’t, I recommend you start. I’m evil with myself. Pure evil. I wish I gave myself even half the grace I give my worst enemies.
Don’t mistake the inspiration to change for unnecessary self-hatred. If I want to run, good for me! If I skip a day, that’s okay too. The goal is healthy balance. The most physically healthy person in the world could be dying inside, beating themselves to death because of their unattainable expectations or inner monologues full of self-hatred. I strive to be physically healthy, but let’s not forget mental health too.
God says I’m beautiful in my pretty dress from Cambodia, and when I’m sweating in my sneakers, and when I’m eating a spoonful of peanut butter.
He challenges me to strive for health, but He gives grace where it’s due.
Shapes are shapes and bodies are bodies. Mine is shaped like everything I’ve ever experienced. It’s full of both dreams sacrificed and dreams come true. It’s full of lessons learned and lessons learning. It’s a story full of great nights, hard nights of tears, it’s full of some damn good beer and some of the best ice cream in the world.
My body is a perfect little arrangement of atoms filled with a brain and a heart and a spirit, and yours is too.
So cheers to change, cheers to health. Both mental, physical and spiritual. Cheers to a new way of living which doesn’t include dieting and counting carbs, but rather some determination and grace giving which includes but is not limited to: push ups, runs, donuts, peanut butter, 6 am alarms, 6 am snoozes, and lots and lots of listening to Gods whispers and shouts.
“You are beautiful.”
