This past week in Bolivia has been a whirlwind. Team Collision finished up our final week at the Bolivian Children’s Mission in Cochabamba. I left early to meet the rest of the leaders in the capital of La Paz to have a leadership retreat—good food, fun, worship, and most of all no responsibilities!
We have three squad leaders who are over the entire 50 people who make up the W Squad of the July 2011 World Race. They pour their heart and souls into each team; however, these three fabulous people are only on the Race with us for the first four months. At the end of the third month (this month), they appoint current W Squad Racers to take their place. During the fourth month, they train the new squad leaders and then leave everything up to the replacements…and God.
Since the elect people within the squad, there are holes of previous team leaders who then become the squad leaders. In this past three months, we have had six Racers drop out for various reasons and go home. Six people make up one whole team!
At the end of these three months, so many people had grown and changed that the squad leaders felt it would benefit everyone to have team changes (and to fill the void of those team leaders becoming squad leaders).
During the leadership retreat, the squad leaders sat with everyone and told us all the great characteristics that we possess. They told me that they have seen me grown in my confidence as a leader and though we had days of adversity, I loved through it. However, they felt that the Spirit was calling me into a different season on the Race and in life: not to be a leader.
I was devastated. Yes, there were times that I didn’t want the responsibility, and yes, there were moments that I should’ve done differently, but I loved gaining experience and having a team that I was able to pour into!
My mind was flooded with lies and deception:
“You’re not good enough!”
“You should have done better.”
Amidst the lies, I could hear God saying, “This is what I have called you to: to live a life in complete abandonment and pursue ME!” During this Race, I have wanted to cultivate my relationship with God. I want Him to be my sole love. This is God telling me that I can now focus on only our relationship and not have to worry about contacting the next month’s ministry, or doing all the paperwork at the end of the day, or hearing all the intimate details of everyone’s problems and taking them upon myself; all I am to do is be His bride!
I Peter 3:1-7 – “Wives, be submissive to your husbands…be adorned with inner beauty that is unfading…In the same way, husbands will treat their wives with love and respect.”
I am vulnerable in front of everyone as not being what I used to be. I no longer have the title and their perspective of me will probably change, but I’m still beautiful in my vulnerability…scratch that: MORE beautiful! God wants me, and all of me as His bride!
Now, life will move forward with this new identity and a new team. It will be a hard adjustment and will take a lot of trial and error to figure out the balance of being a “follower” but still using my “leadership voice”.
My new team is called Healing Hurricane, because we are going into these places and wrecking them to only heal them in Jesus’ name! Please pray for us as we are about to embark on a new continent!
We leave tomorrow morning (Wednesday, Oct. 12th at 6:00AM) to fly to our first European country of Albania! Our flight has three layovers: Miami, NYC, and Istanbul. I’m planning on loading up on all the Starbucks and American food that I can get! Thank you for your prayers thus far…I can feel them from thousands of miles away!
