Growing up, there were very few Christmases I was completely surprised by my presents under the tree. My mom, in her excitement, would inevitably spill the beans before the big day. But even though I often ruined the traditional goal of the big Christmas morning reveal, I never worried she’d take the gifts back. I never once considered she would change her mind, get annoyed at something I’d done, and decide I wasn’t worth any of it.
So when did I begin believing God operated that way? One thing that’s taken me a while to understand is that our passions and dreams are also gifts from God. He puts those desires in our hearts so that we go after them , so that we can use them to serve Him. Yet we still spend so much time agonizing over whether or not we are in God’s will, wanting Him to give us clear answers and direction. As if He only gives us desires to snatch them away later. As if we become undeserving of those gifts.
I’m currently reading “Love Does” by Bob Goff. He says this about our God-given desires:
“…I’ve always wondered if, when we want something that we know is right and good, God places that desire deep in our hearts because He wants it for us and it honors Him. Maybe there are times when we think a door has been closed and, instead of misinterpreting the circumstances, God wants us to kick it down.”
I think back to when I began the process to come on the Race and how much I questioned whether or not it would be in God’s will. All the while, I thought of my passion for traveling and for other cultures. Yet I fought to make the connection that God gave me those desires to help me choose the path I’m currently on. Now, as I think ahead to what may come next, I still fight the thought that even though I have all these dreams and goals, there’s a chance God won’t want me to follow any of them. Perhaps He may decide I can’t handle the responsibility or just wants me to learn patience and sacrifice. I can’t possibly be worthy enough to see my passions used or my dreams lived out.
And then He reminds me of one simple concept that changes the entire story: grace.
If God called me to give it all up tomorrow – my desire to be married, to teach ESL, to see more of the world, to finish the Race – and called me to a path I’ve never considered, I would drop it all because I trust His will for my life is far greater than anything I could dream up. But right now, perhaps for the first time in my life, I know without a doubt I am at the center of that will. And I know He has been preparing me for this chapter for the last 23 years, cultivating those dreams and passions to turn them into something that glorifies Him.
I want to stop living my life as though I’m waiting for the other shoe to fall. To be in a constant state of questioning whether or not I am within His will even while doing things that can only be described as “right and good.” Yes, our Father has promised us a life of sacrifice and suffering, just as His Son had to make the ultimate sacrifice and suffer greatly. But I also believe I have only seen the discipline side of His character for far too long. I have refused to do the work required to kick down the doors of my God-given dreams and instead have hid behind my own narrow view of His character.
Our grace-filled, gift-giving Abba wants us to have life to the fullest. He wants us to experience all the good and perfect things He has planned for us. He wants us to be willing to sacrifice it all for Him, yet He also loves to see us fight for the gifts He has planned for us. He wants to reveal to us what the presents are under the tree just to remind us of His faithfulness when we get to open them up on Christmas morning.
