I have a love-hate relationship with my face.
My friends joke that I “speak with my eyes” and, more often than not, my facial expressions have given me away despite my goal to reveal nothing.
What does my lack of a “Poker face” have to do with my spiritual growth? I’ve come to realize lately just how much I’ve tried to train myself to hide those emotions my face typically tends to give away. I grimace reflexively or drop eye contact, things that don’t go unnoticed. My carefully-composed demeanor isn’t so disguising after all.
And sometimes it makes me mad.
I’ve been battling against these observations because I’ve come to pride myself on being authentic. There are very few questions I won’t answer, next-to-no aspects of my life that I’m unwilling to talk about. Heck, I’d usually say that I’m an open book, vulnerability and I are besties.
Here’s the truth of it: vulnerability isn’t just about sharing facts and stories. It’s about sharing brokenness. The only way to share brokenness is to be willing to embrace it. And the only way to be able to share in someone else’s brokenness is to walk through your own.
For the past few days I have been living inside the shame and guilt of letting a distraction in my life become an idol. I’ve felt my own separation from the present and I’ve been wallowing in the frustration of not being able to connect. I got to a point of sheer desperation; I couldn’t self-talk my way into positivity or preparedness. All I could do was cry out to God to show me my own heart as He held it in His hand.
There, in the depths of the valley, He gave me rest.
“Daughter of mine, I see your brokenness, I see your burdens. I know the weight of the struggle you carry and I know how hard you try to control your own emotions, the emotions I’ve created within you. Don’t you see that I’ve given them to you as a gift? Your fears of rejection, of commitment, of vulnerability are keeping you from experiencing all I have for you. I made you to be whole, but you must first acknowledge that you are in pieces if you are ever going to allow me to piece you together. Give me your heart, your desires, your dreams. Let me protect them. In exchange, I will give you the freedom you long for. I will give you the good and perfect things that I have in store for you.”
