I don’t trust God.
Or, more accurately, I trust Him under certain conditions. Like when things make sense. Or when I can see a certain outcome happening.
I have been made aware of how often I pray for things without actually believing they will happen. There seems to be a disconnect between my head-knowledge and my heart-knowledge. My Spirit-filled heart knows the Sovereign power of God, knows He is capable of accomplishing things I can’t even fathom. But I’ve yet to allow His Spirit to consume my mind as well. Earthly logic and skepticism fill me with doubt, often sending me into a place of self-reliance and flesh-bound thinking.
Frankly, it sucks. I don’t want to be held back by my limited knowledge of God. I want to embrace the unknown, the mystery, the uncertainty. It is in those places where God can show us the fullness of His power.
A wise friend once told me that he much prefers to hear stories of God working in someone’s life in the very way they were least expecting it. He explained that when it’s easy for us to imagine a certain thing happening, it often keeps us from seeing the miraculous work in it. It is when we doubt, when we continue to ask for something we cant foresee, that the real miracle is revealed to us. That’s when God can show off.
I’ve been fighting my doubt. I’ve been getting frustrated with my lack of faith. But perhaps this is exactly where He wants me. Because I’m at a place where I know I have no control. The things I’m asking for cannot be done on my own strength. What better time for Him to take over!
“Lord, we believe, but help our unbelief. Lord we believe, but help our hearts to see.”
