While reluctantly driving to have some blood tests done this morning, I began to pray. This prayer was my typical “God do_____. God give me ____. Fill me with ______. ” Those things that I think and know are important to have. Mostly, I pray it out of selfishness. I see things in other believers and long to have that kind of strength, wisdom, dicernment, trust, faith, love, and peace. I long to be filled with the fruit of the spirit. I long to be filled with the Holy Spirit in such an amazing way that God uses me to cast out demons, heal the sick, and bring people back from death. I pray for God to give these things to me. My relationship is very self-centered and not God-centered.
When I read Acts I am jealous of the faith that is instilled in people. The boldness Paul possess excites and scares me. Although I am afraid to ask God to give me certian things I know I need them. Sometimes I can’t even voice them, but I know the Holy Spirit will intercede with groans when i have no words.
In that moment in prayer, in my car, I just stopped. How childish it was. “Give me, give me, give me. ” There is nothing wrong with asking God to give us things, but there is more to it then that. When I ask God to fill me with the hunger for His word, but then don’t spend time in it, who’s fault is that? Certainly not His. I still have a childish vision of prayer and its purpose. I see it as some magical wish. You say it once and then “poof” it happens. I neglect my part. My part in asking God for growth or brokeness doesn’t end with the question. It only begins. I have to be willing to allow myself to be broken, to allow for the pains of growth, to love my enemies, to open my bible, to accept that He made the ultimate sacrifice.
Regardless, of how long I have been in the church, some things seem so foreign to me. I believe that my constant placement in the church has led me to think that I know it all. There is nothing else I can learn. I have heard all the stories, so I don’t need to read the book. I hear sermons and think, “Oh, I have heard this one before.” When I hear something new, I get excited. I take what is said at face value, and l don’t look into my own study on the issue for a faith value. Most of the things I have learned have all been word of mouth. I hear and I repeat. I know nothing on my own.
You could quiz me. I would fail. (Actually, in bible college we had to take a Bible assessment test. You have to pass in order to graduate. They don’t tell you your score though.) I realize I could have the whole Bible memorized front to back and still have no relationship with God.
They say knowledge is power. Knowledge can also be like blinders on a horse. It can limit your vision. That’s what it did for me.
It wasn’t until today that that I actually broke down and understood what God really wants from me and wants to give me.
