Nine months is a lot of time. That’s a lot of time to feel. To think. To pray. To cry. To laugh. To be angry. To witness miracles. To DO things. And I lived for every second of it. A week is not nearly enough time to process what’s happened in my life this past year, but it most definitely starts it. PSL had already shown me how to bring my race home, because my life is my race. It’s shown me how to find community at home, how to find sweeter intimacy and depth with Jesus, how to be bold, and how to put 9 months of life into 30 seconds of talking.
But for real, how do you start to process things you can’t even comprehend happened to you? The things that seemed so unreachable, so unfathomable to you, one human out of billions. God has taken me to depths and heights across the globe and through that, he’s molded me into who I am today, writing this. I want to share a little bit of where I was and how I felt coming into Project Searchlight versus how I am now, preparing to leave Searchlight.
Close your eyes and imagine this. Just kidding, open your eyes…you can’t read with your eyes closed. Imagine that you’re standing on the edge of this insanely beautiful cliff — and I don’t mean like a gray rock cliff over boulders and dark blue ocean; I mean smooth, burnt orange rock over clear, blue waters with orange and purple skies. The warm breeze is all around you and the waves sound like music (is that too much to ask?) Imagine how you would feel just standing there. In complete awe. Looking and admiring the astounding creation. On the edge of bliss or death. Vulnerable. Happy. Insignificant and small. Then imagine the voice that spoke this into being telling you to jump. Jesus tells you to jump from this cliff, that lets say is about 150 feet up. Immediately what happens? Emotions start racing through your head; you’re scared, what if you die, what if you live and survive that, why is Jesus asking me to do this, etc. These thoughts always come first, the safety and concerns of our flesh. We never leap at the very first second after hearing his voice. Coming off my race, yes coming OFF of the field, after I’ve grown and been molded, I was faced with this metaphorical cliff. I know right, why now God? But, when I was, I was so fully concerned with my flesh and absorbed in fear.
My last few months on the Race were hands down the hardest months, if not just on the Race, then in my whole 19 years of life. I physically faced the devil in the face where he told me to consciously choose to hate everyone around me and to despise myself. He tried to control my mind to turn away from everything I have been and am devoting my life to. And the worst part is, I started to trust him, to believe him, over the real redeeming truth that I find from the Lord. I became absorbed in my thoughts, telling myself I wasn’t worthy, that when the race was over I would be alone, pushing myself away from those around me, and just beating myself up over and over and over again. It was so much easier to choose to hate rather than to love.
Luke 9:23 says, “And he said to all, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'”
I lost sight of picking up my cross daily and dying to my flesh, and instead lived in my blanket of insecurity. All of those feeling and emotions of hatred and unworthiness were straight lies from the enemy, used to get in my head and distract me from the cross. When I came to Searchlight, Jesus revealed to me that I was not dying to myself but rejoicing and living only for the world. Last night, during worship and a session, I made the choice to re-dedicate myself to my faith, to hold steadfast to Jesus, and to stop living in fear and hatred, but rather grace and redeeming love. When I closed my eyes to pray, I was heavy-laden, but when I opened them I was light, and my burdens lifted off!
So let’s get back to this cliff. Coming off of the field, I felt like I was on the edge of this cliff, but instead I was scared, alone, insecure, and worried about falling; not seeing the actual beauty of the cliff and what it holds. I had fear to fall into what Jesus was calling me to, a life of trust, because my own self was getting in the way. Now, I’m walking out and ending on the edge, but differently. I’m being vulnerable for risk of love for Jesus. There should be no fear because I’m entrusting Jesus with my entire life, and when you give your trust to Him, He holds onto it, and He holds you close.
Searchlight has been incredible, and we always underestimate what God can do in short amounts of time until he does it. It’s developed its own definition for me, a definition of restoration, fulfillment, and renewal. Project Searchlight has opened new doors for new life to flood into me, and many others. The last year of my life has been filled with the amazing change of God and through Searchlight, I have been able to overcome the fear and distrust that I walked off the field with.
“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20
