I don’t
really remember someone noticing me for anything special that radiated from
within and I can’t really say that it was there. So now, my struggle has been
really hearing what the Lord says about me, and not just hearing but truly
believing it and humbly accepting it. The Lord decided to raise me up as a
leader 3 months ago and even now, I sometimes lack the confidence to see what
others do, I am quicker to receive how I am doing something wrong that to
receive how delighted my Father is in his girl. I find myself really wondering
sometimes what it is that someone else may see, I wonder do I really radiate
the light of our Lord, are people truly seeing the essence of my core?
And the
truth behind all of this is…
I AM ROYALTY
I AM LOVED BEYOND ALL MEASURE
I AM BEAUTIFUL IN HIS EYES
I AM UNIQUE AND ONE OF A KIND
I AM CHOSEN
I AM REEDEEMED
I AM MADE NEW
I AM FREE
I WAS WOVEN
TOGETHER BY HIS VERY HANDS
HE SMILES
UPON ME AND LAVISHES HIS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR ALL ETERNITY
I AM HIS
DAUGHTER, WITH WHOM HE IS WELL PLEASED
I AM MADE
WHOLE
So these are wonderful and beautiful
things of the Lord. This is what He said to me one day “I possess the living
water, and my source never runs dry. I bring life and I live in you, therefore,
allow that power to exude, allow me to give life through you.”
So my faith is not in myself and
what I can do, but my faith is in Him and what He WILL do.
Another thing He has continued to show me, every time that I
think ” how much deeper could we possibly go, there isn’t possibly anything
left that I could trust Him with, I couldn’t possibly learn another thing right
now, etc.” He shows me, oh Lili, you just wait!!! So I do, and then a tidal
wave crashes over my existence. I am tossed in the current, in the moment of
learning it, it can be painful and extremely hard.
I am not a controlling person and I have never been but oh my
goodness!! This girl needs to let it go, so simple yet so hard, to surrender
even more. To be honest, I don’t know how to even try to try to surrender (did
that make sense?) So back to my original point, I am in capable of even trying
to not try!
When I found myself waking up in the morning dreading the day
before me, when my joy seemed to have been stripped from me, I really had to
examine why I couldn’t see the blessing before me. Why did the sun rising seem
to lose its glow and why did serving others through loving the Lord seem more
of a burden than a privilege. We so easily allow the distractions of the world
and ourselves become the focus that drives on a windy road. We forget the
narrow path; it doesn’t matter if you are sitting in an office 8 hours a day,
if you are serving the Lord as a missionary in Africa, If you work for a
church, or even if you are strong believer in your faith. The world does shift
us at times and I found my focus shifted this past month. In my lack of trust,
I began to fear, what comes next, what do you have for me in the future Lord, what purpose do I serve.
I concentrated so deeply on feeling worth through a purpose that I forgot to
lose myself in Him, how beautiful it is to lose our selves only to find Him.
How majestic, how romantic, how surreal, how fulfilling, to allow the pieces of
our lives literally fall into our laps because we stopped caring so much on the
outcome and just want to follow in daily obedience and fascination of your
heavenly maker.
So yes, I struggle at times, I struggle remembering how fun a
past memory was, how much excitement there was in living dangerously close to a
line that becomes so blurry so quickly, I remember and become lost in what I
had only to forget what I have now. I have a life that is filled with the peace
of the Lord, no matter the circumstance or the failure, shame and guilt, they
are a fading fragment of how I lived. How can I not rejoice, when the Lord
never stops being good, when I have a joy that sustains me. The very things
that I lacked in my past life, I lacked waking up in the morning and being able
to truly feel filled, whole, complete and loved. I would rather wake up with
the Lord one day than a 1000 days of fun recollections, in the end those memories
are not what make up how well we lived our life, in the end the synchronized
beat of our heart with our Abba’s is the only concern of His.
Your fire is my will
Your spirit is my breath
Your strength is my destiny
Your love is my core.
I live in you and you in me.
Faithfully His,
Liliana Michell
