Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,
So in
the last blog I asked several questions, ones that hopefully some may have
considered for themselves in relation to their spiritual walk. If I had to sum
of my answer for all of those questions it would simply be that I love Christ
with all my heart and soul. I was thinking the other day about how I made a
choice, the choice of my life, to follow Him with everything that I can. I
chose to not give up or walk away from Him because He has never and will never
do that with me. I know that if I cannot give Christ my all and strive to make
the most important relationship in my life work, then it will be a fail for any
other. He is the beginning to everything and only He can and will truly ever
satisfy our inner most longings. My soul cries out for Him and my flesh fights
it every step of the way. I am tired of trying to trust in myself to take this
on, as though I must conquer my flesh alone. We weren’t meant to do it alone.
It was
really interesting today when one of my teammates called me out on not being
more vulnerable and having walls that are still up. Just when I think that I am
getting somewhere with these walls God reveals there are more that I have not
chosen to give up and surrender. In all honesty, I know that I have so much
that still waits for Him to come in and fix and soothe and mend and restore
areas of my heart. For so long I chose to ignore and suppress and now there is
no more running from the unpleasant encounters of my life. I must learn to open
up more and not be afraid of what will happen from allowing myself to express
and reflect what in going on internally. I have tried to build up and identity
for myself now and have found that it is pointless trying to live up to who I
think you should be to impress others instead of the Father. I came to be
identified by and through the only one that matters. I just hope that in
recognizing these things, I don’t allow them to pass by without choosing to
embrace what He wants me to do with it. Let the old go, allow the NEW to come
in.
I have
been a hard case for most of my life and very stubborn about many things, I
have been stubborn when it comes to my emotions, I attempt to control and
regulate what comes out and when. Mostly to encounter an eventual breakdown, a
place where I know I have hit the bottom, the funny thing is that that bottom
keeps getting higher and higher. I don’t find myself falling quite as far
anymore, only because I have the hope, I see it in my life, how He has already
done so much and changed so many things.
