Today, I put on my worn leather sandals and followed my little sister down to her truck. Pieces of hair already slipping out of my braid and frizzing up in the south Texas humidity. Dusting sand off the seat, I clambered in and we drove out of her apartment complex, picked up some coffee and then headed to the lookout over Corpus Christi bay.
It took us a little while to get settled in the back of her pickup truck, but eventually we found a creative way to fit ourselves, our journals and art supplies comfortably in the shaded back half of the truck bed. Addie started to write out a Bible verse in her journal and I started to worry. Sometimes I lie to myself and call the worrying, “spending time with Jesus”. Some of the questions running through my head were, “what is wrong with me? Why don’t I want to go share the gospel with the man standing down by the water? Why can’t I just sit still and let the Lord speak to me? Why am I like the ship tossed about on the waves that James so fittingly describes when talking about the effect of doubt on a person’s life?”
On the left sit all these questions. They stand, hands on their hips, expecting answers. They are angry, condemning and grim. On the right stands Jesus. He isn’t going to feed me a bunch of information, instructions and answers, but if I choose Him, He will give me peace. I try to plan out every moment throughout the day, but Jesus calls me to praise Him in the moment. There was literally an entire ocean in front of me, palm trees swaying in the breeze, birds taking flight and a fisherman trying to get a catch all right in front of me and I was asking Jesus what I should do. How about praise Him? How about thank Him?
A lot of these questions arise from me feeling like I am not bearing fruit.
Yesterday as I met several of my little sister’s friends and the leader of the ministry that she is involved in, I realized that sitting right in front of me was fruit. Adeline carries a beautiful heart in her and has surrounded herself with a community of believers. She is allowing herself to be discipled and in turn is discipling others. She is working hard to accomplish her schooling with diligence and integrity. I remember passionately praying for this during the time that Addie was trying to choose which college to go to. I have watched her say yes to Jesus over and over again during the good times and bad. Now that is fruit! That is answered prayers and a beautiful illustration of how Jesus moves and influences in quiet, but big ways.
Honestly, I am steel feeling a little bogged down. I feel kind of purposeless and disconnected right now. Part of this is simply the process of re-entry, but I think some of it is spiritual warfare as well. I am about to decide what God is calling me to next. The enemy doesn’t want there to be a next. Please pray that I will continue to stand with my hands and heart open. That I will not live in fear and doubt, but in peace and freedom. Specifically, pray that my daily alone time with the Lord will be restful, worshipful and life giving. Thanks so much and God bless!
Life Updates:
My favorite Thanksgiving food was…pecan pie.
My first night home…I set in the middle of the floor and kept saying over and over again, “I feel like a princess!” (hot showers, clean sheets, flowers and a soft bed will do that to you)
I cried when…I thought about the boys out on the streets in Uganda while I was getting to experience a really joyful reunion with my family.
I felt disconnected when…I walked across a college campus with my little sister. It was so surreal!
I loved playing…Dutch Blitz with Adeline and her friends.
