I’m going to be real with you. I struggle a lot with my identity and the way people perceive me. I feel like my identity has been shaped so much by my past, by people demonstrating to me that I am not worth their time or love by overlooking me or not investing in me like I invest in them. In this I learned to shrink back and become an observer, waiting for people to actually prove to me that I’m worth their time by making them have to pursue me to get to know me. Not that that is completely contrary to my nature, I am an introvert and I do tend to observe more than I actually contribute, but I feel like God has been showing me lately that I hide behind silence. I make people pursue me before I open up to them, instead of being confident of my identity in Christ and being open with people. As I mentioned in the previous blog, this attitude affected my ministry this month.
Living in community on The Race has challenged this behavior and pointed out just how wrong it is to think this way. I found myself being frustrated several times this month because I felt like my team didn’t know me or get me, but when I really stopped to think about it, I wasn’t making myself available to be known. At some points I actually remember thinking, “I can’t wait to be home where I have real friends that get me, not friends that tolerate me because they’re forced into putting up with me for the next 11 months”. I had to apologize to my team for thinking like this! For shutting myself up and building unbreachable walls, for questioning the authenticity of their friendship when they had given me absolutely no reason to do so. I had believed lies that have been fed to me for so long, that I don’t have anything valid or important to say and that when I truly open to people and show them who I really am, they find me altogether mediocre. To throw in what World Racers like to call “Christianese”, this is such a lie from the enemy! My identity is found in God and the truth is, God doesn’t find me mediocre. He doesn’t roll his eyes whenever I have something to say, He doesn’t overlook me, and He already proved my worth to Him by dying for me and pursuing me with relentless love and grace. My team doesn’t find me mediocre either! They love me exactly the way I am, and when I began to confront my insecurities and show them who I really am, we all began to have a lot more fun.
I also began to look for promises from God in His Word, things I could repeat to myself whenever I feel like I’m struggling with my identity. So I just wanted to share some of those things with you, because God has said these things about all of us. You are not overlooked or unseen, and you don’t have to hide behind anything. You are tremendously pursued by a loving Father. THIS is what I keep in mind when I find myself struggling with connecting with people and THIS is the message I am so extremely excited to share with the girls of Thailand.
Jesus says of Libby Alcala:
I made you.
I have adopted you.
I will not forget you.
I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
I have paid the price to set you free.
Before you were formed in your mother’s womb, I knew you.
When you call, I will answer you.
I will comfort you.
I will give you an everlasting name.
I will give you rest.
I am coming soon to rescue you.
I will give you unfailing love.
I will carry you.
I will care for you.
I will blot out your sins and never think of them again.
No one can snatch you out of my hand.
I have redeemed you.
I have called you by name.
You are MINE.
I will be your anchor.
I am your high priest, your intercessor before the throne of God.
I will be with you always.
I have chosen you.
I will hold you by your hand.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will act for you.
I will direct your path.
I have a plan to give you a future and a hope.
I have saved you.
I LOVE YOU.
