I was sitting in my first class of the week. I heard all the words being said, but I wasn’t listening (Sorry, Dad). As I looked around the classroom, no one else seemed to be either. Something else was on my mind. I had become obsessed with a website a few days earlier. I wanted to jump out of my seat and run to the library where I could be delving into the blogs, and blinking back tears as I watched the videos. The World Race was all new to me. It was all I could think about. As I continued to look around the classroom. As terrible as it sounds, I couldn’t help but think, “what a waste.” Here I am, sitting here, doing nothing worth any significance, counting down the minutes until I can get up and go onto my next insignificant task. My mind began to wander and I started to think, when is the last time that I did anything significant? When is the last time I did something, something that was not about me, that is going to matter, you know, for forever? My mind was blank. There was nothing. I couldn’t believe I couldn’t remember the last time. Every thing I did on a daily basis, revolved around me. I began to feel sick. How could I call myself a follower of Christ when I couldn’t remember the last time I made a difference for the kingdom? I wasn’t made for this. This was not my purpose. That is the moment when the desire I‘ve had since about 14 years old, started becoming stronger. I’ve decided that I want more than this.
I want to be pushed.
I want to be tested.
I want to be made to step out in boldness.
I want to be in circumstances where I can only rely on God.
I want to be used by God.
I want to fulfill the purpose He’s had for me since I became his daughter.
I want to be uncomfortable.
Right now, even as I write this, I am comfortable. I live a very comfortable life. I have a car to drive, I like my job, I see my friends, most of whom are Christians, every day, and I go home to a loving Christian family that continues to help provide for me. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with living comfortably, and I love my life. However, I have come to realize that I was created for more than this. In Matthew 4, Jesus told His disciples, “follow me.” Jesus was telling his disciples to leave their comforts. He was telling them to leave their families, their jobs, their friends, everything. The following is an excerpt from Radical. While it may be difficult to grasp, it is Biblical. It is truth. David Platt says it like this:
“Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of these eager followers of Jesus in the first century. What if I were the potential disciple being told to drop my nets? What if you were the man whom Jesus told to not even say good-bye to his family? What if we were told to hate our families and give up everything we had in order to follow Jesus? This is where we come face to face with a dangerous reality. We DO have to give up everything we have to follow Jesus. We DO have to love him in a way that makes our closest relationships in this world look like hate. And it is entirely possible that he WILL tell us to sell everything we have and give it to the poor. But we don’t want to believe it. We are afraid of what it might mean for our lives. So we rationalize these passages away. ‘Jesus wouldn’t really tell us not to bury our father, or say good-bye to our family. Jesus didn’t literally mean to sell all we have and give it to the poor. What Jesus really meant was…’ And this is where we need to pause. Because we are starting to redefine Christianity. We are giving into the dangerous temptation to take the Jesus of the Bible and twist him into a version of Jesus we are more comfortable with. A nice, middle-classed, American Jesus. A Jesus who doesn’t mind materialism and who would never call us to give away everything we have. A Jesus who would not expect us to forsake our closest relationships so that he receives all our affection. A Jesus who is fine with nominal devotion that does not infringe on our comforts, because, after all, he loves us just the way we are. A Jesus who wants us to be balanced, who wants us to avoid dangerous extremes, and who, for that matter, wants us to avoid danger all together. A Jesus who brings us comfort and prosperity as we live out our Christian spin on the American dream. But do you and I realize what we are doing at this point? We are molding Jesus into our image. He is beginning to look a lot like us because, after all, that is whom we are most comfortable with. And the danger now is that when we gather in our church buildings to sing and lift up our hands in worship, we may not actually be worshipping the Jesus of the Bible. Instead we may be worshipping ourselves.”
Reading this for the first was a lot to swallow for me. I had never heard a missionary put it quite like that before. I have felt called to missions since my first short-term missions trip as a young teenager. My vision that started back then, however, became increasingly blurry during my college years. Though I still claimed that God was the center of my life, my priorities evidenced otherwise. He slowly began to peel away my dependencies that weren’t of Him. At the time, I felt as though my world was falling apart. Now, I am so incredibly thankful. I am so grateful and humbled that I serve a God that cares about me, and sees me as a vessel worthy of being used by Him. God was breaking me in order to begin to mold me into the servant He created me to be. I don’t know how God plans to use me, but how could I say ‘no’ to what He has so clearly commanded me to do? Though at times I feel useless and inadequate, I realize that those feelings are not from God, and none of this is, nor has it ever been, about me. My life isn’t mine. It is HIS. I stumble… a lot, but I am striving every day to be the woman that He has created me to be. I refuse to sit quietly, I refuse to let the blessing of being used by Him pass by. I refuse to live my life in any way other than in complete devotion and obedience to my Savior.
I will go.
