so last month i almost left the world race. I was just so done. everything that was once cool about the race started to get on my nerves. community was a pain in my ass, the heat was slowly cooking me from the inside out and, oh yeah, I wasn’t sure if I even believed in god anymore.
okay to elaborate on that last one for a minute. deep down I knew god was real, I couldn’t deny that but I was so overwhelmed with unhappiness. hearing god had become seemingly impossible and everything about faith was suddenly unreachable and fake. this was such a hard place for me to be. I mean how can I stay on the world race when everything I once believed to be true seemed fake to me? I told my team where my heart was and they did their best to be there for me but so much of me pushed them away, it was easier. I knew I couldn’t go home because somewhere in my heart everything I previously believed wholeheartedly was still there. I couldn’t give up but I didn’t want to fight anymore. what a crappy place to choose to stay. but that’s what I did because that’s all I could do. I chose to stay on the race but to not fight for my faith, I just laid there in that numb place for pretty much the whole month. I reached out to a few trusted people for advice and a friend I met the month before spoke so much wisdom over me and for a moment I didn’t feel like such a hypocrite for going through this unbelieving period. I decided that if I was going to stay on the race then I was going to stay because I believed in what I was doing, so that meant I was choosing to fight for my faith again. it was an uphill battle and something that I’m still walking through in a way but, oh my gosh, the lessons I’ve learned from that season.
I’m not sure when the heart changed fully happened but one day I realized that I was seeing and feeling god again. I was noticing him in my thoughts, conversations and dreams. I think I had totally lost what it felt like to feel gods love but he is such a good god that he was fighting for me just as much as I was fighting for him. it felt so good to actually feel him pursuing me and that made me want to run to him even more. it was beautiful and completely ugly all at the same time.
now I’m in month 7 where god has met my team and I in some pretty unreal ways. he’s given us a month of rest. our ministry is incredibly light and leaves majority of our days open for whatever we choose. I’ve spent so much time with god, just enjoying his presence. I’m falling in love with god and his goodness all over again.
this past weekend we were actually able to take a mini vacation (I know I’m still as shocked as you are that we pulled it off.) we went to a beachside hotel on langkawi island. it was incredible. Our room was literally on the beach. gods handy work was on full display this weekend. what’s even cooler than this is– I GOT BAPTIZED. I got baptized! in the Indian Ocean. as if god wasn’t already revealing himself in big ways to me he led me to get baptized in one of the most beautiful sceneries I’ve been in. surrounded by people whom I love and who’ve helped me walk through this last season. One I my closest friends on this race was the one who baptized me and I can’t even tell you how beautiful that was. My team stood in the ocean with me and encouraged me as I declared my faith and love for god.
these last two months have been the highlight of my race. I could have given up. I could have gone home, but I didn’t. I fought to find god again and what’s even more beautiful is he fought to find me. I know this isn’t a promised easy journey, in fact, as Christians we are guaranteed trials and hard times. I gladly accept them now. i know it won’t be easy but after walking through this last season and getting to experience even the smallest glimpse of gods love for me- I’m willing to fight because it’s so worth it. HE is so worth it.
