so I haven’t written a blog since may. it’s safe to say I’ve been on the struggle bus these past few months. I’ve been going through a slight personal hell that I like to call: the world race.
I mean don’t get me wrong this is a once in a life time opportunity and I honestly wouldn’t choose to do this any other way but holy crap this is *challenging*.
the exciting factor of moving every month has worn off…months ago. I’m tired. I’m sleep deprived. I’m hot. I’m hot. And I’m hot. all of these things are things I expected to happen but for some reason I forgot just how miserable they are? not to mention I’m home sick. I miss my job. (what?) I miss my moms lasagna. Im missing my friends, my family, my niece and nephews (related and not) growing up, my best friends wedding and my other best friends pregnancy. things I should be home for.
I’m over waking up every day trying to find energy that’s not there so I can do my ministry effectively. Im tired of talking about where I’m at and what I’m feeling all the time. I’m tired of team times, feedback and OMG I’m so tired of the weekly c&c’s. I’m tired of hearing myself complain about the above items on the daily.
typing this I realize how selfish and bratty I sound. it’s not pretty, I know. I’m stuck in this ‘woe is me’ mode and I can’t find the dang off switch.
what you’re getting right now is the unedited, raw truth of what the world race is for me. It makes you question everything. everything you believe to be true about yourself, the world and The Lord. Ultimately, I think this is a good thing. I think at the end of this I’ll come out happier. I’ll come back even more infatuated with The Lord and all he has for me. but right now I’m just not there.
I’m holding out, though. I know, despite everything I think and feel in this moment, that my god is a good and faithful god. that he gives good gifts because he loves us so much and that above everything, he wants me to unabashedly follow him…even when I don’t see him or feel him. so that’s what I’m doing. and that’s where I’m at.
I know this isn’t the most uplifting and cheerful blog ever written but I just wanted you to see the sometimes ugly truth. the process isn’t pretty but i know it’s more than worth it.
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keep praying for me. that I continue to fight for my faith. that my energy is renewed. that I continue to give my all even when I have nothing left because that’s what The Lord has asked of me. pray that I remember to slow down and take the time to love everyone around me. including myself. and I’ll continue to pray for you. that god will come and meet you wherever you are. that you will stop fighting your battles yourself and let god come fight with you and for you. I pray that peace finds you, and overwhelms you. that even on your worst days you can look up and remember there ARE reasons to smile. reasons to keep pushing through and pressing on. that as alone as you may feel, god has NEVER left your side and he won’t start now.
keep doin the damn thing. we’ve come so far, why stop now?
