it seems like these past few weeks after training camp have been more of a test than camp itself was. at camp my eyes were opened to a lot of things that god has been trying to tell me for awhile now. He broke a lot of chains and set me free from burdens I didn’t even know I was carrying. Coming home from camp I felt like a new person, it was amazing. Fast forward a week– all the previous temptation crept back in and I found myself in a rut. I was this new, restored person who was starting to lay in all my old sin again. I knew better than that yet there I was giving in. I was so conflicted and vulnerable that instead of choosing God who I know is the ultimate comforter and healer, I went for the instant gratification that I was use to.
My old life was quickly taking back over but my heart was still holding on to everything God taught me at camp. My brain and my heart were battling it out in a major way. I was overwhelmed by everything in my life that I just found it easier to shut everyone out and figure it out on my own. I shut out my squad mates, my teammates, my ideas and ambition for fundraising and I even started to push God out. now, why on earth pushing God out sounded like a good plan? I have no idea, I’m stubborn I guess.
anyways, this went on for about a week. I dealt with all these anxious and lonely feelings until one night I cried out to God. “Why! Why is this happening?! Why won’t you answer me or help me!” now, mind you, I’m a tad bit dramatic and that absolutely carries over to how I pray to God. I’m sure he looooves that lol.
I can’t even lie when I tell you that in that moment of my prayer it’s like God boop’ed me on the head and said ” Um, excuse me my little drama queen but if I recall correctly YOU’RE the one who pushed ME away. How do you plan for me to answer you if you kick me out?”
…..oh. yeah, that’s a really good point you make there, God.
I actually laughed out loud at this conversation. Here I am being a complete basket case when I’m the one who started it! Can I just say how thankful I am that we serve a God whose patience is endless? He knows I need it!
That whole thing got me thinking, though. I was so bent out of shape because my head and my heart are duking it out all because I’m giving into the temptations of my worldly life. Why didn’t I just chose God in the beginning? Why didn’t I just walk away? I knew the better choice to make yet I still chose the one that would ultimately cause me harm. Why? Well, I guess because I’m human and incredibly imperfect. Temptations will never leave but the good news is, neither will our father! He is walking right beside us. every.single.step. how amazing is that! The man who loved us so much that He gave his life so we would be saved still walks beside us at every point in our lives. even when we continue to sin the same sins that He died for. I don’t know about you but that gives me chills.
how do I expect to have a growing, mature relationship with the Lord if I constantly shut him out? and who am I to think he’s not answering me when I’m not even pursuing him? that’s just silly of me. it’s like me getting mad at my doctor for not telling me my diagnosis when I haven’t even gone to see him to tell him my symptoms. that’s just backwards. so guess what. instead of me throwing another temper tantrum because I’ve pushed God away and I’m mad he wont answer me, I’m going to put my big girl panties on and deal with this junk. I’m only here for a few more months and the devil is crazy if he thinks he’s going to steal another moment from me. I know I will face more trials and temptations but I’m stronger in Him now that I was before and I look forward to growing closer to Him during each dark period.
just looking at what I’ve gone through since camp makes me realize how much prayer my team and I need. these last few weeks are crucial for us. pray for wisdom, extreme faith during these trials and that we remain “present” so we can really soak up these last few weeks with our friends and family. Also pray for those in our life that will have to grieve us leaving for so long. I know it’s a very hard transition for them so pray for comfort and understanding as we head into these last months here.
until next time- xoxo
