as I near the last days of my first deadline I’m honestly not sure how it will end. either i’ll make it, or i won’t. i’ll either plan to launch in January or i’ll plan to launch in July. at this point, i have so many thoughts and emotions I’m having a hard time separating everything to know which one god is saying. i knew when i committed to the race that i would ultimately face some difficult times because nothing gets the devil all worked up more than you following gods will for your life. i don’t think i was aware of just how taxing this process would be, though.
if you know me well then you know i jump from idea to idea about every other week. the fact that i have been unwavering in doing the world race since March, that should really speak volumes to you. it would have been so much easier for me to give up and pretend like i never wanted to do this race rather than push through and keep fundraising, praying and moving forward. there were many days where I knew what i was called to do but i wasn’t sure if anyone else was quite as sure as i was. that set me up for a lot of fear and doubt. But, i knew i had to step out into the unknown in order to follow god’s will. and let me just tell you…THAT. IS. TERRIFYING. knowing god has called you to something and putting your full trust in that and then actually DOING that are two completely different things and i struggled (and still do) with doing them.
I wish it were as easy as everyone says it is. “give it to god” “let go and let god” “lay it at his feet, he will take care of it all” –yes! you are absolutely right! everything you said is 100% true and I should do just that! except for the fact that I’m human and i still believe that i can handle it all. giving that control up is not only hard but I’m honestly not even sure how to do it. i feel like in situations like this should be a tangible action. like it’s a pin i wear on my shirt and all i have to do is take it off and hand it over. but no, of course it’s not that simple. but it’s something i face every day. every day i wake up and battle with trying to successfully give god control over my life. some days are better than others. but i still wake up and make a conscious effort to give it to god. and i can say that there is an incredibly noticeable difference in doing so. it’s like god sees that i totally suck with letting it go that he tries to help as much as he can when i try. what a nice guy.
but even on the days where doubt is all i see, i still know what I’m being called to do. so all i can do is wake up every day, give it to god, let him take control and just go with where he leads me. yes, i might have a daily panic attack over it because i can’t see what’s next, but I’d rather live minute to minute in god’s will than a day in anything I’ve planned for my life. gods will is infinitely better than anything i could ever imagine or hope for. so if January is what god has decided, then i will see my account balance be $3500 or more on the 26th. but if he’s calling me to slow down and really take time to fundraise and connect and push my launch date back to july, then the funds won’t be there. and I’m actually at peace with whatever god decides. because all i can tell you is i know god has called me to the world race. and where he calls is where he provides. and that’s all i can go off of for now.
–xoxo–
