This isn’t how I imagined my race going.
The race was going to be a year of adventure and walking alongside the Lord, and my squad, as I learned about what real community is. Don’t get me wrong; it will be all of these things. I just wasn’t prepared for how things outside of the race would break me. I knew there would be brokenness along the way, but I thought it would be because of poverty and injustice or sex trafficking.
I never thought I’d be broken by something that happened at home, especially so soon. But just because I am on the race doesn’t mean that the rest of my life is on my pause.
That fact hit hard this month.
I knew my dad was sick before leaving for the race. The sickness was identified as lung cancer pretty soon after leaving for South Africa. Doctors went back and forth about how bad it was. Some saying it was one mass and others saying it had most likely spread.
This month has been a rollercoaster of emotion.
I’ve been terrified.
I’ve been confused.
I’ve been hurting.
Surrounded by my team and other squadmates, I still felt completely alone. I've never felt so isolated while in the midst of friends. I couldn’t even talk about it without bursting into tears, so I chose just keep it bottled up unless I couldn't avoid it.
My lack of faith in that situation left me with an ashamed feeling. I know how big our God is. I do! I know He is the Great Physician…that he is our healer. I know tons of stories of people being healed from illnesses that they should have never recovered from, all because of Jesus.
So I was confused… I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t believe that my dad could live one of those amazing stories of healing. Why didn't I feel like Jesus would do that in my dad's life?
That scared me more than the actual cancer did. How could I claim to follow Jesus and be on the race, but be hit so hard by this? I was completely broken all the way to my core.
God wasn’t surprised by my dad’s cancer and he wasn’t surprised by my lack of faith. And He never changed in the midst of either one of them. He is still healer and redeemer. He will still put my dad back together physically. And He will still put my heart back together the way that he wants it to be.
Why? I will never understand, at least not completely.
During a worship time during our last week in Ocean View God gave me a word about my dad. He spoke clearly and told me that He was going to heal my dad. I couldn’t even move. I was going back and forth in my mind trying to figure out if it was just me saying that or if it was really God. I was finally convinced it was God when I was able to tell someone else about it.
On my own, I couldn’t speak healing over my dad. I was too fearful of disappointment. I was too fearful of being wrong. But through others hearing from God, God whispering to me during worship, and me being able to finally speak that truth and breakthrough… I now know that it is God! He is at work!
Fast forward to debrief.
Dad had surgery, which led to finding it was stage 4 and had spread to many lymph nodes in his chest. Oh, and those lymph nodes are funneling it to the rest of his body.
Not at all what I expected.
More confusion, more hurt, more questions.
I ended that night as a mess in a lot of ways. I was asked if I still wanted to hold on to the word that I got about my dad and of course I do. I know God is who He says He is and I know His promises to us are sure.
I am not sharing this story so that people will feel sorry for me. I don’t want a pity party. I am not the only one who has had to deal with this and I’m not the only one on my squad who is hurting.
I’m sharing this so that people will know that I am not doing the race through my own strength. If I was, I would have left already.
My best friend sent me a message the night I found out how bad the cancer is. She said, “Your dad’s situation and you being there is making people wonder, ‘how can they do it? How can she do it?’ The answer is Jesus. You are not strong, but Christ is, and He is shining so strong right now through your whole family.”
For all those questioning how I’m thousands of miles away and how I’m holding it all together… I’m not. Jesus is.
And I will stay on this race until he says it is time to leave.
Because I am processing through what is happening at home and I need time and space to do that, I am taking a break from team leading. It is a decision I needed to make for me and for the health of my team. I’m so thankful for my sweet friend Jena who is stepping into team leading for Team Ratsah! She is going to be such a great addition to what is already happening on our team.
We have another route change!
Month 3: Half in Mozambique/ Half in Ethiopia (I'll be in Mozambique)
Month 4: Philippines
Month 5: Malaysia
Month 6: Vietnam
Excited to see what the Lord has in store!
-LD
