In the midst of my mistakes and brokenness the King still chooses to use me, I am still His daughter.
Since my last blog post my squad and I have gone through a pretty intense debrief, team changes, we had a 12 hour travel day, we’ve been partnering with Mission of Hope Haiti for a week, and the men of our squad surprised us with an awesome Valentine’s day dinner(which will have a separate blog). With all of that said, I promise to do my best at keeping you all updated with what the Lord is doing in my life as well as in the lives of those around me.
First I want to announce that we have a TEAM AND ROUTE CHANGE.
Team Chosen has welcomed Jhacky, who is the new leader for our team; when I think about her joining our team I think about the saying “There is a reason for every season.” God knew what He was doing when he brought her to our team, already in the last week she has changed the atmosphere of our team. She is a women after God’s heart, and I am truly honored to serve alongside her.
Quick route change: O Squad will no longer be going to Nicaragua but instead we will be going to Honduras.
The first week of February we spent debriefing in the Dominican Republic, we were able to process through the first month of being on the field, hear from our mentors and coaches, and really just rest before heading off to the next sight. Pretty early on in the week the Lord begin revealing to me that there was a part of my life that I continued to keep from Him, this very sensitive area that I thought I was free from but in reality had me caused me to feel so much shame. I now understand that I had not been free from it because I never asked Him to take that burden from me, I never asked Him for forgiveness, and to be honest I wasn’t sure that He would continue to love me if I ever spoke about it. Realizing that I still felt that way was a shock, but once those words were spoken and brought to light, He took them and I felt more loved then I had ever felt before. I was still His. That night I wrote in my journal;
“I declare you free”
I opened my eyes
I was standing alone, arms open, and heart wide open.
Father, I know I am free, what do you mean?
Just as quickly as I closed them, my eyes were open again
“You have to believe you are free, not just know”
Standing there I felt paralyzed, and overwhelmed, softly He said
“Go child, you are now free, but do not hide the path behind you”
I wrote that down because that was the conversation I had with my Father, the King of Kings, the Prince of Peace, right before I confessed all that I was keeping in the dark in front of fifty plus of my brothers and sisters. For the first time in a long time I had not doubt that it was the Lord’s voice, that He was telling me to that I am not a slave to sin, but I am His child. He guided me in bringing my selfishness, my promiscuity, my addictions, and my lies to light, and He still loved me. While I was chained and in the darkness He was there, and now as I begin to understand what it means to walk in freedom He is still here.
One story that He used to help me walk through this was that of the disciple Peter; more specifically after the death and Resurrection of Christ. Peter denied Jesus three time before His death, leaving Peter feeling very ashamed, and simply unworthy of the Father’s love. The shame that Peter felt led him to slip back into something comfortable, something that was familiar to him; He decided to go fishing (John 21:3). Once again(and just like He always does) Christ came and met Peter where he was at, as soon as Peter heard that it was the Lord he was so ready to be with the Him again that he threw himself into the water and hurried to be in His presence. After Jesus, Peter, and the other disciples were hanging out, Jesus asked Peter; “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these(John 21:15)?”
This is the part that got me, what were these? There are many interpretations on what this could mean, but as I have been praying about this the Lord kept showing me that He was asking Peter if he loved Him more than the fish. The fish for Peter represent something in the past. The Lord did not want Peter to slip back into the life before Him, by asking Peter this Jesus was trying to call Peter higher, Jesus wanted Peter to move forward to continue to walk in His light. I have spent nearly the last two weeks studying this and praying through this and trying to see what the Lord is saying to me through the life of Peter. As simply as He asked Peter He has asked me if I love Him more than these, and for me these meant alcohol, drugs, sexual impurity, and some very unhealthy friendships. He has asked me if I am willing to leave these things behind and move forward, if I am willing to walk into His glory. Obviously I am!!! These last couple of weeks have been rough in the best way, He has guided me to speak things in to the light and begin healing in those areas. He was knocking at this door that kept me wrapped in shame, fortunately that night the knocking was too loud to ignore. He is here and I am free!
Now we are in Haiti partnering with Mission of Hope Haiti, I am so happy to be here and so honored to be able to work alongside the staff. If I had to sum this ministry up in one sentence it would be: Mission of Hope Haiti equips Haitians to share of the of the Father with Haitians. Mission of Hope has raised up men and women to be leaders of their villages, to be the ones that communicate with the Haitians, that give the families what the need; these men and women are called Village Champions. The Village Champions are full of passion for the Lord and are ready to be used to bring the love of the Lord to their own community. It has been so amazing being able to work alongside them. Please be praying for these amazing people, they are our brothers and sister who just like us want to see the Father’s Love in their own neighborhood.
I am so excited to be able to spend a few more weeks in this place, and continue to learn what it means to truly walk in freedom, hand in hand with he lover of my soul.
Please be praying for the Mission of Hope staff, volunteers, orphans, and my squad; we want nothing more than to reveal the love of the Father to all those around us.
