I feel like my life has been all over the place these days. I am far too busy and I know it. I am currently in what I call “Count down mode.” Honestly, I really hate “Count down mode.” I want to enjoy each day, not rush them away longing for something that I anticipate to be greater. Currently my count down is at 2: 2 days until vacation, woopwoop.
It is so easy for me to hide under busyness. It is something I did for so long. However lately it makes me feel like I am on a serious emotional rollercoaster. I find myself longing for quiet time which is so crazy because quiet and I have never really been that good of friends.
Last week I would have told you that I felt weary, that my prayers seemed listless and weak, and that my head and my desires were a million miles away from my heart. Last week I would have said, “If your attitude stinks then your heart is probably not right,” well my attitude was really stinky and I was thinking how should I work on this heart of mine? My prayers were definitely self absorbed and all I was doing was whining at God. I also may or may not have been whining at the people around me too. Whining is not a flattering characteristic, I am aware.
If you know me, you know I move at a speed pretty close to 110 miles per hour. I feel guilty when I am not productive. It is so hard for me to settle down. I am also an “Activity stacker.” I am pretty sure that drives a lot of my loved ones crazy. I have a tendency to stack plans 1 on top of another; I typically go from one event to another, fitting as many people into 1 day as possible. This past weekend I made a conscious effort to say, “No” to plans and chill out and by Sunday I was feeling rejuvenated.
This week I keep reflecting on how amazing God is and how 2012 has been pretty incredible so far. I have been reflecting on how I feel so free and alive. On how I am experiencing real joy, how God keeps popping up to show me he’s got me and it’s all good. How God has answered prayers, it has literally been Ephesians 3:20 all over the place. It’s been pretty cool, I feel like I’m hearing from God and then before I have time to doubt, he’s right there again with affirmation that it is in fact him.
See what I mean, I am down and I am up, rollercoaster, in the past I might have perseverated on this issue and explored the idea of being bipolar or some such. Currently, I am thinking it is just a vigilant battle to keep the devil from getting a foothold. I am trying to stay locked in with my armor and just rock out on the ride.
I think what I have learned lately is the importance of taking time to embrace the R’s: rest, renew, refresh, retreat, rejuvenation. (R words are good) Sometimes we have to throw out the agenda and just have a little date action with the good lord. God is showing me the importance of being silent, being still and finding that secret place with him. Okay so I don’t know if I have the “Secret place” business on lock yet, but I am trying.
